Ready??¦ set??¦ no go?

[tstan]

Next month I'm scheduled for a 2500 graft procedure with Robert Haber for a cost of $8000. This is my first. I'm having it over the Christmas break, taking a full two weeks off from work. As I get closer to the date, I'm nervous. I have until Monday to call it off without losing a $1000 deposit, and my wife is sending me signals (again) she is not very supportive.

 

There are several issues I'm facing, and wondered if forum members can comment.

 

First, my wife. We have been talking about this procedure for almost two years now. For most of that time, she has really not wanted me to do it. She has said over and over again that having this done means I'm a fake, I'm superficial. Somehow, she finally relented about a month ago when I said I had made up my mind and wanted to go forward. She even stood up for me when my kids bugged me about it (they are both in elementary school, and have also said they don't want me to do it. They are afraid I won't look the same). Yesterday my wife started back into her old message system about my being a fake, and I'm distressed.

 

Other family members know about it, and are neutral, for the most part.

 

I feel like I'm all alone in this, and am worried. Those first couple of weeks after the procedure are going to be rough, I believe. I'll spend Christmas with family members with these staples in my head, and my frontal scalp all red, and what not. I think my kids will probably start blabbing to everyone in our neighborhood what daddy did, and I'll be embarressed.

 

Then I worry what will my head look like when I get back to work. Will people say, 'Gee, what happened to you'? Will I have to explain to the world what I did and why?

 

I'm also wondering frankly about what my wife says. Am I a superficial person for wanting to restore some of my hairline? Will it send a message to others that I'm just a sleazy, insecure, fako?

 

So, I know I need to talk with my wife again, and will do so this weekend. I need her support.

 

Does anyone have comments? I feel weird asking a group of total strangers, but then, I need perspective from people who have been through this process.

[phil mascallpen]

Two questions first:

 

Is this your first HT?

 

Why did you choose Dr. Haber?

[Coligion]

You should take great consideration in your peers thoughts and concerns. However, it ultimately has to come down to how YOU feel about moving forward. Like any surgery, there are obvious setbacks, but you hope they will lead you to a greater good. How severe does hair loss hamper your life? Are you affected daily? Everyone has different levels of concern regarding their hair loss. Some accept, and others fight back. If hair loss is a severe burden in your life, you're not at all materialistic for wanting to improve your own image and self-esteem. Again, listen to friends and family closely, but you need to make this decision for yourself and no one else.

[thanatopsis_awry]

There really is not much 'fake', nor terribly 'insecure', nor unseemly 'vain' about HTs by and large.

 

You are, for one, utilizing your very own hair; and, most importantly, you are essentially just attempting to restore (albeit often modestly) what you once had.

 

This isn't like breast augmentation, nor most other forms of aesthetic surgery where we are attempting to catapult ahead of what we "were".

 

As well, given the harsh stereotypes of hair transplantation, going about getting one -- and particularly doing so in a transparent fashion like yourself -- is quite bold, and really very secure.

 

Whether you should get the surgery you have in mind I honestly can not tell you, however; it does seem to me that your family loves you and supports you as you currently are. So, if you do get the HT, really do it solely for yourself, and take in to account the considerations associated with all HTs before commiting.

[hair_me_out]

This is a really tough thing for guys to go through, so I really hate hearing that your wife isn't being supportive. I think that's wrong.

 

Maybe try explaining to her "imagine if your breasts year after year got smaller and smaller until they disappeared." Ask her how "fake" she might be in those circumstances!

[Sparky]

Does your wife wear makeup?

[dakota3]

I'll echo what sparky said and take it one step further. Does she wear make up, anti-wrinkle cream, high fasion shoes or clothing? Is there anything that bothers her about herself? What if she lost some hair? Would she wear a wig? Think about getting a HT herself? People are often quick to critize w/o thinking about being in the "other persons shoes". If she can honestly answer ALL of these questions above with a NO then she is a better person than most but I have a feeling she cant.

 

My wife is exactly like yours but shes very contadicting. She thinks that anyone who tries to alter thier appearance is fake and insecure, but she wears make-up and puts on an acne mask every night. She also buys expensive purses like Coach. So what does that say about her??

 

Have you explained why you want the HT? Did you tell her because you wanted to look younger? Or because it would help you feel better about yourself? I find the latter excuse could be a little easier for our spouses to understand. Good Luck!!

[Atomic]

I half to say that results will also come into play when having a HT in such a transparent fashion.

Lets say the results are great like you are hoping for. Then everyone will jump onboard & just be estatic about it. But if your HT is not quite as successful as you had hoped, or if it is ultimately a failure, then family & friends may be scrutinizing your procedure.

 

You have been brave about letting your family in on your HT because you were sure that you wanted a HT. And you were probably pretty sure that the outcome will be successful.

 

That may well be but now with this dark cloud of doubt hanging over as the procedure approaches & during the Holidays with family

& all of the hoopla you may want to consider that this may not be the best timing for a procedure.

Hey you can always reschedule right? Of course.

I think that having a procedure now would be very stressfull.

 

Just picture yourself at the holiday table as you are now, feeling very comfortable & enjoying the Holiday with your family......and dreaming of one day when you will secretly finally have a HT.

 

Have a great Holiday!

 

Atomic

[Mountinvan]

Or picture yourself 7-12 months from now with improved hair? If the hairloss causes you stress on a daily basis, I recommend addressing it especially if the Dr. can convince you that you will have satisfactory improvement.

 

PS My wife came around after she saw the results.

[the B spot]

I think you should wait. No one should be under this much pressure to do, or not to do a cosmetic procedure.

 

Another point is you almost 100% going to need another...if your wife is rather unsupportive now, going back and saying I need to drop another 8-10K is going to be a problem in all likelihood.

 

I have spoken to several wives/significant others who just do not get it....they are under the impression that because they are happy with their balding partners, he or she should be happy as well.

 

Getting a HT is personal, much like education...it is for your personal benefit, and yours alone. Others may reap the benefits, certainly, but at the end of the day, it is yours...just like your hair.

 

Most of the time after hearing another personal explanation of this, most partners look at this from a better perspective.

 

One of the factors to a positive HT is support...If you do not have it, it makes for a tough recovery period....and God forbid something goes wrong.

 

I have stated many times, Waiting to get a HT is NEVER the wrong decision.

 

Your sound as if your under too much stress mate...I think you should hold off a bit.

 

Take Care,

Jason

[John Malloy]

Tstan,

YOU NEED TO WAIT. If things are stressful now, just talking about it, they will get much worse. While you may have told family about you possibly getting a HT, there will be many social functions that you will turn down because of your head looking funky after the HT. And if your unfortunate like me, this period will possibly be permanent. I've been hideing under a hat since June of 08. Why do you think I'm responding to your post on Thanksgiving? A Ht has put a ton load of stress on my relationship. If it's a stressor now, think of what it will be like if you have scar stretching, minimal yield (it looks funky), shock loss, cobblestoneing, etc.. Hold off on this one. If your comfortable in social situations now, then enjoy life. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with wanting to look better, but once you get a Ht it's a life time journey. Enjoy your family that love you for the bald you. This is my viewpoint on the situation. I regret my Ht every moment of my life, and according to people on this forum--it's not that bad. So, if my Ht is not that bad and I regret it every day of my life--Could you imagine if I had a bad one. Dont do it!

[Raphael84]

I think what it comes down to is the fact that, you do not need to undertake this operation now, if you are feeling unsure for whatever reason.

 

Of course, you would prefer your wife be 100% supportive, it would make any more personal doubts easier to overcome, but I believe that your circumstances are very common. In no way whatsoever are you vain, fake or any other words that you mention because you want to progress with this. Somebody who has not experienced hairloss, and the intense feelings that we feel, cannot possibly understand our reasons and feelings for choosing this route. Many posters have covered many angles on your situation, and they shoudl all be considered. But again, ultimately, if the timing isnt right, then it isnt right. I would suggest that your Dr isnt going anywhere. You take all the time you need, whether that be speaking more with your wife, deciding not to go so public, progress in your own mind how important this is to you. You can always then schedule another date.

 

My last suggestion, would be to ensure that your final decision is for you. I realise that this may sound somewhat selfish, but if finance allows, and you geniunley feel that this is what you need to find a little more peace, well then decide accordingly. Good luck with your dilemna!

[TheEmperor]

Your head wont look "presentable" for up to 8 months after the procedure. There is a redness phase, and then after that as it is growing in, it takes quite a while for everything to come in.

 

Your co workers are going to notice and talk behind your back. It can make a job very difficult.

 

Your wife may have other concerns. Spending the money on yourself when it could go to the kids? Or perhaps she is comfortable with your diminished self esteem and thinks that when you look younger, you will want a younger woman.

 

This is not about being "fake". Hair modifications are page one of a woman's beauty playbook. Hair is a superficial, yet substantial part of one's youthful appearance.

 

Also might like to add that it sounds like your wife has been working on the kids to form their opinions. Kids are usually pretty open minded, where did they get their fears that its going to make you look like someone else?

 

Unsupportive wife is the problem. I would wear the pants and go through with it.

[HTInitiate]

Great words of wisdom from others ! I would also like to add that looking youthful is associated with energy and vigor, which employers are attracted to. In this recession that extra edge might be important, to land a potential job or a promotion.

[tstan]

Well, I haven't talked with my wife yet, but probably will on Saturday. We will have some time away from the kids.

 

Based on some of the posts, and checking some weblogs, I have some new reservations. I've noticed many people have redness on the scalp or visible scarring from the donor area not only after two weeks, but even several months later. It seems to vary greatly by individual. Man, I was hoping to not have my co-workers all notice the transplant, but it does not look like there would be any way around this.

 

Factoid: I would have my hair grown about 1 1/2" inches by time of the surgery.

[Sunnycoastman]

Not an easy situation. Heres my take. we all like to look good , we all look in the mirror and what we usually see is what we dont like about ourselves. and its not fake or superficial to try and improve that area of our appearance. Its not a bad part of our humanity to want to look our best is it. as we get older we have to accept theres less we can do about it but we still care how we look. I see 80 year old men dyeing their hair...why? it makes them feel better about themself. some things are easier to improve than others. If your wife started going grey, she would notice right, and probably colour it out pretty quickly... and regularly...easy and cheap. If she didnt thats what she would see every time she looked in the mirror....more and more grey. not so easy for you or me to fix when our hair is dissappearing, but same desire...to look better and younger, improve confidence, and stop that constant worrying about our hair gradually thinning and how to cover it up. is that wrong. No, its pretty normal in this day and age Id say. If money is the issue you need her on board. Its her money too. tell her your innermost feelings about it all, talk about ways you can save money to make it happen and sketch out a time line for it. If money is no issue you still need her on board...shes your support team. And I would still talk deep down feelings about why you want the HT...women like to know the emotional reasons for why you want to do it. I had my HT on wednesday 25th Nov. I go to work monday 30th Nov...i work in an open plan office and ill have to wear a hat. no one wears a hat there. Ill tell my co workers I had some surgery on my head, nothing life threatening and have stiches that dont look nice and the doctor told me to wear a hat.My scalp is red, My head a bit swollen....4,167 grafts....Im really not looking forward to monday..Im not a confidant person who dosnt care....theyll talk i know but itll blow over in a month. theyll eventually twig to the HT thing but Ive decided too bad what they think....its me looking in the mirror at me every day. so you have to come to terms with that difficult first part of it for the long term gain. Choose your doc very carefully. Go with a doc highly recommended on this site....prices vary alot too. my ht cost $2.78 per graft in thailand with Dr Path. he was excellent and his team superb. Good luck mate

[Guest wanthairs]

tstan----

 

maybe your wife is scared you'll find soemone else with your new found confidence you would get...

 

Seriously If I were you I would instead shave your head and build up a great body and not have a HT....Its true it takes months to look normal and you will need a second and maybe a third procedure if you are very bald.....I had 2 transplants, the second one repaired the first one and now it is really good, but I did nto have to consult wuith any wife and budget money otherwise it would have been a very different story.