Did you guys experience loss of identity? After hair loss

[Melvin- Admin]

I still recall being told by a girl in my HS photography class that I should be voted “best hair.” I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I just knew I cared about my hair. 

 

Fast forward a few years, the subtle erosion was clear. But I was oblivious at the time. Sometimes I think it was my psyche guarding me from catastrophe. Little did I know I was in for a hell of a shock regardless.

Lost Identity 

 

I still remember this day it was February 2013. I was 27 years old. It was a great day hiking in Malibu with my best friends. Reaching the top and drinking a 🍺 I remember thinking life was good. My friend snapped a picture and showed it to me and instantly my mood changed. A sucker punch of reality straight to the face. Gone was the kid with great hair, and in was this strange person with a wispy dying hairline. Needless to say I was cut to the core.

My identity was gone, vanished like “tears in rain” to quote bladerunner. My friends were sad for me, they didn’t say it, but I could see it on their face when I’d ask them. A year later I would go on to get my first HT, which in hindsight was a mistake, but I found this forum, which was the best thing that ever happened to me.
 

Now, I feel like my identity is back at 35. In February, this year, I was out at a brewery with my best friends and they snapped a candid picture of me, and words can’t describe how good it feels to get something back after you’ve lost it. I remembered our hike, a great time with friends spoiled by harsh reality. Reversed almost 10 years later. 
 

Let’s share stories, as I know this will help motivate others. 

[sl]

This hits a chord with all who have lost hair and identity does go for many.  I recall in conversation people say about someone, "you know, the bald guy will come tomorrow" etc, so their whole identity is summed up in three words even by others. It is a sad reality that this happens as the person spoken off could be the best and most talented person or parent or an excellent worker, role model and they are demised to a physical appearance that is not of their own doing.  It for sure does not happen in other physical attributes yet this is still seemingly okay to belittle.  

Well done on sharing this and so happy for you also. 

[TorontoMan]

YES 🙌🏻 

[Kraki77]

It has certainly made an impact in my life. I'm still at the point when people aren't using terms like bald or baldness but they're frequently thinking that I'm way older than I actually am. Hats are becoming common souvenirs on weekend hikes even if the weather is great, fear that fierce winds on the top will expose all kinds of weaknesses up there is sometimes overwhelming. But, there is one thing that resonated within me because it came from the most unlikely source. Ex girlfriend of mine started lamenting about how she doesn't recognize me anymore and she started to use phrases such as "oldman" at the beginning. As the time progressed her language became more venomous and it has taken huge emotional toll on me. She even started comparing me with other guys who had full head of hair. Anyway, everything mentioned is entirely my fault because I was naive enough to tolerate it all the way through. Painful but extraordinary life lesson. However, I would like to point out few positives at the end of this post. I have to say that height and physical fitness played a huge role in my case when we are talking about confidence levels. Of course, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to have HT in the near future if I'm able to stabilize hair loss but there's no reason for me to rush anything.

[deeznuts]

fuck man, it just made me feel old

[ciaus]

I remember when I got out of the service about 25, looking forward to not getting haircuts every other week. Until it started to grow out long enough to style and noticed the first signs of thinning along the front. And that's when I learned why most guys that start out growing their hair long tend to cut it shorter as they age. I didn't wait until there was a dramatic change in my appearance, after a little more progression over the next few years I jumped on finasteride and started researching hair transplants. My goal has always been to manage it gradually so no one would ever notice. So didn't have an identity crisis.

@Melvin-Moderator Look at that beard, man you could fill in your crown a few times and still have some left over!  If you used some minoxidil on it you might be able to make it even thicker by converting some vellus hairs to terminal. And have you ever tried to put black Dermmatch on your beard? Maybe help conceal some greys down the road if you don't dye. And have a thickening effect too if you thin it out by transplanting some up to your scalp. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by ciaus

[nicoandgello]

No, for me it was more of a waking call that changed my mindset. Im sort of happy that hairloss happened to me, because it opened my eyes. I'm good, propably better off than 80% of general population, you could even say that Im blessed by Gods, when the worst thing that ever happened to me was minor NW2. Getting hurt and abused is the best way to get realistic about life. I stopped caring about people and their expectations. I think that 1mg of redpill everyday is good for everyone, it helps understanding reality that we live in.

[Melvin- Admin]

1 hour ago, Kraki77 said:

It has certainly made an impact in my life. I'm still at the point when people aren't using terms like bald or baldness but they're frequently thinking that I'm way older than I actually am. Hats are becoming common souvenirs on weekend hikes even if the weather is great, fear that fierce winds on the top will expose all kinds of weaknesses up there is sometimes overwhelming. But, there is one thing that resonated within me because it came from the most unlikely source. Ex girlfriend of mine started lamenting about how she doesn't recognize me anymore and she started to use phrases such as "oldman" at the beginning. As the time progressed her language became more venomous and it has taken huge emotional toll on me. She even started comparing me with other guys who had full head of hair. Anyway, everything mentioned is entirely my fault because I was naive enough to tolerate it all the way through. Painful but extraordinary life lesson. However, I would like to point out few positives at the end of this post. I have to say that height and physical fitness played a huge role in my case when we are talking about confidence levels. Of course, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to have HT in the near future if I'm able to stabilize hair loss but there's no reason for me to rush anything.

Wow good job getting out of that relationship.

[Melvin- Admin]

39 minutes ago, ciaus said:

I remember when I got out of the service about 25, looking forward to not getting haircuts every other week. Until it started to grow out long enough to style and noticed the first signs of thinning along the front. And that's when I learned why most guys that start out growing their hair long tend to cut it shorter as they age. I didn't wait until there was a dramatic change in my appearance, after a little more progression over the next few years I jumped on finasteride and started researching hair transplants. My goal has always been to manage it gradually so no one would ever notice. So didn't have an identity crisis.

@Melvin-Moderator Look at that beard, man you could fill in your crown a few times and still have some left over!  If you used some minoxidil on it you might be able to make it even thicker by converting some vellus hairs to terminal. And have you ever tried to put black Dermmatch on your beard? Maybe help conceal some greys down the road if you don't dye. And have a thickening effect too if you thin it out by transplanting some up to your scalp. 

Luckily I don’t have any greys yet. Knock on wood. I did use dermmatch for my dads beard though. It works well. I have some ginger patches in my beard I’ve considered covering up. Maybe I’ll try it out.

[hairlossPA]

any fibers in that pic melvin? looks great

[Melvin- Admin]

38 minutes ago, hairlossPA said:

any fibers in that pic melvin? looks great

No fibers in that pic. I did have dermmatch in my crown though, but nothing in the front. 

[Melvin- Admin]

1 hour ago, deeznuts said:

fuck man, it just made me feel old

Lol thats how I feel when I see the legal age to drink. Kids born in 2000 can drink now, let that sink in.

[TrialAcc]

These are the threads where the community loses me. I do agree that hairloss is a debilitating thing to go through, and I've also been a big "hair guy" in the sense that I've loved to style it my whole life. Never once since I realized I was losing my hair have I felt for a second that I'm losing my "identity" though. While I don't begrudge others for feeling different, I think the healthy thing to do is accept it and move on (even if moving on is to a HT). 

People love to bring up the idea of being referred to as "the bald guy" as if that some how becomes your identity. The only reason you think this consumes your identity is because you simply have a negative connotation or image of yourself as "the bald guy". Let me ask you a question, before you lost your hair and people would describe you as "the black/white/brown/etc guy", "the guy with brown/black/blonde hair", "the skinny/fat/tall/short guy", were those things ever your full identity? Were you at a loss of identity at being called by one of your descriptive features that couldn't be changed? Or does that only occur when it's something you've lost? 

It's cliche as fuck, but being confident in yourself and defining your own identity by who you are rather then an aspect of your appearance that's in the larger scheme of things, out of your control, is the healthy thing to do. Hairloss has given me a greater appreciation of that, and while I do love having hair, if I have to come to the realization that I'm a poor HT candidate and shave my head for good in the next few years I'll do so without feeling any negative way towards my sense of identity. 

[Melvin- Admin]

If that's really how you feel, you should shave your head now. People handle things differently, and for some, hair loss may not be a big deal, but for others it is. Just because you may not feel that way or think you don't, doesn't mean that everyone needs to feel like you. I'm supportive of guys who just want to shave, doing nothing is never a bad thing. I shaved my head for a year.  It's easy to say "ill shave my head without feeling any negative way" if you haven't done it. I did it and it wasn't for me. But really, if you haven't shaved your head, definitely try it before getting a hair transplant. Maybe you'll be happier. 

 

[sl]

Well in the UK you really cannot identify people as the "fat guy" or anything that can be deemed "demeaning" and this is recognised in employment law also. So you would be out of your job and in a law suite if you used such traits to identify someone for this or for sexuality etc, so it is obviously offensive in the main stream, rightly so, as other terms are. I cannot imagine a scenario where the judge would reprimand  a person for being subject to this banter in the office as it is purely "negative connotation or image of himself ", get over it type of thing. Thankfully here this would be seen as potentially harassment and targeting. I do think some things can be said innocently but in my office (early 2000s),  I recall three men sitting together, I was one of them, and it was called the "bald corner", in banter, and we all took and tried to laugh it off, but it did bring embarrassment and a good laugh for others but it was  offensive and incidentally never happened to anyone else for any other issue in the office. We were the politically "safe targets"

I am still slim and muscular framed and so myself have no bad self opinion of being over-weight, but would still be offended by that term being used to others, it offends me, and I have defended friends who have been called this also, and I have really no negative connotation of myself being a "fat guy" believe me, I have no hang up on my body weight..so I would differ from the analysis above personally. 

Short/tall etc are traits you have that are not changeable as such (unless complex surgery is done), or you shrink in old age,  and are more your general identity. We are born with a body type, ectomorph and the like but hair loss as we know is different, we are losing something we had that is visible and sure when we all had loads of hair we had no issues of being called the guy with perfect hair, it was an identity then and gave confidence, and the same way for most, their identity is in this factor, even if not for them themselves, it is for others, who refer to them with this tag. 

For you it may not be an issue yet it was enough of one to bring you to a hair loss forum, so at some level it effected you also but really good you handle it and see it as a plus to appreciate other things and that is good, but if you could press a button and not have had it then maybe you would have pressed it by now.

Great for the different thoughts and input and thankfully we are allowed to air them. 

 

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by sl