Busted for dermmatch, now what?

[Slick]

Hey all I don't post here much and when I do I typically don't get alot of response but would like to share a personal story in the hopes that maybe someone can relate and possibly give advice.

 

I'm almost 29 and have had 2 successful transplants restoring more or less a full look in the front 2/3rds. I started using dermmatch 6 years ago after my first transplant as a cover up while waiting for the growth and unfortunately it has stuck with me since. Recently as my crown loss has progressed (still minor to mild loss) dermmatch has become less and less convincing. When applied well my hair looked passable but I can say it definitely gets old applying this stuff everyday. Not to mention the powder gets everywhere and my bathroom will start to turn "medium brown" if not cleaned every few days. Most importantly the paranoia of wearing this stuff can really test your limits of sanity. I can imagine it's the same level of paranoia as a wig wearer always wondering if it's detectable. In short not a healthy way to live life.

 

Lately I had been getting the feeling a few people had suspicions as I would get indirect comments hinting about their knowledge of my use. These comments usually came while drinking and always gave me pause but again the paranoia can really get into your head so I would just shrug it off and carry on as usual. I have another friend who's balding himself and would sometimes rub his hand through my crown and give me one of those smirks. I was hanging out with him and another friend (loud mouth with no tact) and out of nowhere loud mouth is comparing me to a group of people in history who would "wear makeup and color their hair". His delivery was smooth and sounded well rehearsed I just can't remember the term he used. Anyways they dropped this on me and I was stunned and didn't really have a response. They both seemed quite amused and brought it up again later in the night as well. I really didn't have much to say the rest of the night and basically just sat there waiting to sober up so I could get the hell outta there. I'm not sure if I could consider that my most embarrassing moment but it will be something that I will remember a long time into the future. I got home and had a sleepless night and was in such an emotional state that I even called off work the next day.

 

I think they know their comments affected me because they have both been calling me the last couple days to get together. I did hang out with balding friend after that night but have been wearing hats since. I didn't bring up the situation and he didn't either. So at this point I'm looking at damage control and could use some advice. I know this information will get around and probably has already. Loud mouth has a history of using sensitive information against people and bringing it up at unfortunate times (big crowds, parties, etc...) I was thinking about taking control of my own situation and just tell people myself via facebook. I was thinking of posting something along the lines that over the last 6 years I have experimented with different haircuts and have been dying my hair bi-weekly in an effort to disguise my balding. At least it would be on my terms but worry this would just open myself up to unnecessary ridicule. I don't really see that solving the issue with loud mouth though as I can see him still putting me on the spot weather I publicly "confess" or not. Ideally I would like to get another transplant and be done with it but I'm not sure that's a realistic goal. I have aggressive loss, am still young, and am destined to be a NW6 (hopefully with high sides and crown not dropping too low).

 

These last few days have really changed my outlook on things and even has me reevaluating my friendship with these guys. I'm thinking of just buzzing my hair as short as I can without the scar showing (#4 or #5) and just wearing hats for a while. Definitely not my preferred solution but am not comfortable at this time hatless showing a bald crown. At least when somebody yanks my hat I can just suck it up and claim that my crown has started to bald faster. Would appreciate any comments/advice anyone can offer.

[Ja-Man]

Could you quit the dermmatch use on the crown and learn to accept the balding/thin crown (at least for now)? Sometimes, we are our own worst critics. If your friends didn't know about your HT's, they may suspect you did something, but I don't think they should "make fun" of your insecurity. That's the problem with HT's, sometimes over time they can bring more attention to one's hair loss insecurity, than away from it.

 

I agree that getting a 3rd HT before 30 would be too risky considering your level of loss (we all wish we knew HM was around the corner). I think you just need to find ways to turn your attention to other matters in life, try to accept your thinning crown, and re-evaluate your hair down the road.

[hrvoje14]

Slick, i understand your frustration, but just imagine for a moment what brad pitt and angelina's hair and numerous other hollywood stars' hair would look like if it wasn't dyed, if they didn't wear extensions, etc, if their hair wasn't styled within an inch of its life by hordes of stylists, etc etc...

 

i am not using dermatch (though, i will probably have to soon) but frankly, why should you be so anxious about it or even about people finding out about it - it's just another product that people use to make their hair look better... no more embarrassing than hair dye or extensions or highlights or all kinds of special gels, creams, mousses and special fancy hairstyles... sure, it's far from ideal, but really, your attitude should be - 'yeah, i use it, big deal, get used to it...'

[Slick]

Ja-man,

I would agree 100% that we are our own worst critics. But most of my friends are my age or younger and aren't sympathetic to hairloss. A few that used to enjoy making light of my balding have also started to lose so their comments have mostly stopped. I haven't told anyone about my transplants but I have lots more hair then I did at 22 so I know that some people suspect for sure. I've had girls who used to give me grief run their hands through my hair with a puzzled look on their face. I've had another friend unexpectedly shoot a hi-rez picture point blank of my hairline (my hairline stood up well). Loud mouth has been one of the worst so I'm not surprised he has found out. I think when people notice a change (even if for the better) it just invites more scrutiny. Your last statements are spot on, I have many other things that deserve my attention but this will be a long road for me to accepting hairloss.

 

hrvoje,

I guess I'm anxious about the whole situation because in my experience people will nitpick at any little thing and do it in the harshest manner possible just to up their own social status. It only takes one guy at the party calling me out for "fake hair" to get people snickering the whole night. I've been around friends who comment about other bald guys and just rip them apart. I think taking steps to conceal loss just comes off as more desperate and just adds ammunition to the taunting. One a side note I saw your pics and think your transplant is looking great. Give it a few months and I think your hair will be looking solid even in the sun. I wouldn't recommend going down the dermmatch road trust me :-)

 

Thanks for the comments guys

[hrvoje14]

slick, coming to terms with hairloss is very difficult, but if it is any consolation, i assure you it gets easier as you get older...

 

and as for your pals taunting you - taunt them right back, i'm sure not a single one of them is perfect - one may be fat, another dumb, a third maybe has a small dick, etc etc... actually, the only reason they taunt others is probably because of their own insecurities... keep that in mind when it happens...

[mattj]

I just checked your photos. Have you lost more hair since they were taken? It doesn't look like you really need to use a concealer and like it wouldn't be worth the stress.

[Atomic]

I had friends who intentionally embaraased me about my hairloss in public in front of friends/peers. One of them is no longer a friend & the other will never do that to me again in public!

Of course I was pissed off & once I got him alone I told him that if he ever did that to me again, that I would reach across the table & grab him by his throat! And a few other things I shouted at him.

Proiblem solved.

Do not come out on face book or anything like that. Do you know how many things are said behind our backs? Not just about hairloss.

 

So forget about those guys & forget it ever happened.

 

If you want to remain friends with them then put them in thier place by telling them what bothers you. If not, move on. They are just imature kids.

[hdude46]

Not related to hairloss,but I have a friendwho talks about everyone behind their backs,and is always criticizing people. He does this b/c he is very insecure, and everyone knows it. Just let it go, who cares what this loudmouth says...

[TheEmperor]

Slick,

 

Im not trying to be insensitive, but your post made me chuckle as it brought back memories of when I was your age, going out drinking with friends (while trying to hide the hair situ), and my adventures with Couvre.

 

The 20s are the worst for hair loss suffering. You will be ridiculed for losing hair, and will be ridiculed for doing something about it.

 

Regarding my adventure with couvre, I was in my late 20s and ordered two tubes of the stuff. "Light Brown" and "Medium Brown". I started with the light brown and wore it for a few weeks without comment. It made a subtle difference. I got greedy and tried the medium brown. I was quite proud of myself looking in the mirror that morning, I had apparently doubled the look of my hair.

 

When I got to work, a girl I worked with was chatting with another 20 something and she complimented me "I really like your hair coloring, it makes your hair look much better". (The guy snickered.) Of course, in retrospect, the comment was not meant to be a compliment, but in that context a jab.

 

What I learned from that was that I'm a "light brown" kinda guy, but the experience left me deflated and not wanting to put makeup on my scalp.

 

Look at the big picture and be thankful they do not seem to know about your transplants. With social media like Facebook, I imagine it could spiral into an uncontrolled PR nightmare.

 

Sorry no real advice.

 

Maybe get some light brown and try it instead.

[Slick]

Guys, thanks for your comments

 

hrvoje14

You're right, these guys have their own (major) issues and we taunt each other back and forth. It's usually just good natured BS but in this case seemed to cross the line. I fully expect to catch some more hell about this but have some ammo I can fire right back. Never been the guy to cut others down but since it's turned "no holds barred" I'll point out their insecurities and see how they handle it. These guys are almost 30, don't have jobs, and still live with mama! Enough said :-)

 

mattj

I haven't lost much more compared to those photos. Propecia has slowed my loss way down. Without it I'm sure my crown would be totally gone. I guess I should just count my blessings that my hair is mostly intact as I was losing quite quickly in my early 20s. Agreed definetly not worth the stress.

 

atomic & hdude

I wonder why people act like this. It seems like human nature to badmouth others and belittle them. I decided to keep my big mouth shut and not post on fb and just deal with it as it comes. People can say some nasty things especially when they don't have the courage to talk direct. I'm sure these guys were bad mouthing me for a while as there have been some subtle clues before this. Atomic, I would be interested in hearing your story and how you ended up dealing with those guys.

 

emperor

Thanks for your story. I'm sure one day I'll look back and chuckle too. Probably right after HM comes out :-) I can relate to being deflated and am still trying to decide my next move. I'm sure it could always be worse with bad work, people finding out etc... Good luck with your next transplant I'll be interested to see how it turns out as we have very similiar hair types.

[M&M]

Going bald is truly one of those rare and unique circumstances. There's nothing really like it:

 

- it's not like gaining weight, as you typically have control over that through exercise and diet

 

I can't really think of anything else that men or women have when they're young and then lose as they get older that is completely outside of their control. One day you have thick hair (when you're younger) and then suddenly (or gradually) it starts to disappear and impacts how you look and are viewed by others.

 

Plus, there's the natural taunting by guys hanging out together. It starts with a few eyes rolling up to your hair, then the comments start and it simply grows from there.

 

Having said that, the only thing really worse than going bald, is getting caught for trying to cover it up, whether it be through Hair Transplants, Wigs/Weaves, or creams/sprays/toppik, etc. as this just reinforces how insecure you are about your hairloss, which guys just tend to "feed" off of.

 

Slick - I feel really bad given the situation as you described, but I definitely agree with Emperor that going through facebook is not a good idea.

 

Just dial down the Dermatch as I can assure you getting comments that you are "thinning" is much better than getting comments that you are using "artificial means" to hide your thinning. Besides, your photos look good, so perhaps try styling your hair in a different way and just ignore their earlier comments that concentrated on dermatch or "makeup" use. Hang in there!

 

M&M

[aw33]

You have a lot of hair. Who cares about a balding crown - when people look at your face, they see your thick hair which appears all natural. Don't worry about it.

 

I am young in life but there is a good saying (can I call it that?) that I like to follow - it is the fact if you hang out with losers, you will become a loser and if you hang out with winners, you will become a winner. Sure your "winner" friends will also make fun of your crown occasionally, but they will have better things to do than to just bring you down all the time.

[NorwoodScale]

Why don't you just go see Dr. Umar and have him implant beard hair into your crown? Then you can just go for the short hair look. Some of Dr. Umar's results on youtube are straight up amazing.

[Davis]

I use dermmatch to hide some of my scarring..

 

Since it can be a bit chalky, some people think i dye my hair, and have asked..

 

To which I just say yes, and move on.

 

Unless they specifically know its dermmatch, tell them you are covering up some gray and move on.

 

if they continue to give you crap, just stop hanging with them

 

Good luck buddy

[hickeyas]

I feel for you man...a lot of people...mainly women and dudes lucky enough to never lose hair, don't know the utter distruction balsing does to our confidence...when I go to work in the office or have to wear a suit...obviously I can't wear a hat and I will barely even look people in the eye...and I will get out of the office asap...and put a hat on....dermmatch is the best thing for me so far...I just need to practice fading the hairline....today was a 2 1/2 hour dermmatch application (second time using it) so I'm doing it at night and touch it up in the morning before work. Let me know if you have any tips or tricks in applying dermmatch...thanks -Andy

[s2thoudriver]

Don't let this get you down.

 

Simple fact of life is that people who openly try and make you look bad in public are jealous about something you have, whether it be wealth, looks, personality, friends, job etc etc.

 

These people pick on the slightest thing to dry and get you to sink into the background, thus putting them into the limelight. The most powerful put down is one that can't be controlled, so the top one directed towards me is height (i'm only 5ft 7"), though hair loss is up there on the list of top put-downs for most guys.

 

Most of the time, other people will already be thinking that loud mouth is insensitive, attention seeking and malicious, so the best thing you can do is just smile and not show it hasn't bothered you.

 

If you shy into a corner, loud mouth has succeeded in breaking you down.

 

Think of it like this 'it's good to get peoples feedback, now i know that i am using too much concealer, so i'll tone it down. Loud mouth has done me a favor by a) Kindly informing me, where others would have just let me carry on without saying anything (also, often an attempt to make them look better) and b) Done me a favor by showing everybody else that he's a complete muppet.

 

People used to take the mick out of me for receding and trying to cover it up to try and put me down. I never showed them i was bothered about it as that would be them winning, i just shrugged it off and smiled, even though i was dying inside!

 

What it did was do my a favor by highlight to me that something does need to change and make me think about my options.

Thankfully one option for me was a HT.

 

I am now 10 weeks into recovery and already i managed to get them to eat there words. Now they are the quiet ones as i stand and smile

 

[JayDublin]

Hey,

 

Was in another thread and popped into this by mistake, but having read your post I couldnt help but feel your pain.. Hairloss just sucks..

 

Would there be any chance your mates were more interested slagging you because you dye your hair, rather than highlight your hairloss ? Vanity is supposed to be for girls right ?

 

You dont have to make a public announcement, Honestly your hair is a big deal for you, but its not that big a deal for everyone else.. This may just draw unneceaasry attention. Keep your dignity hold your head up and be yourself,,,

 

Us HL suffers are so paranoid, we think we are the only people with body issues, but can imagine your girlfriend going on facebook to tell everyone... "A few of you may have noticed already but I just want to tell everyone that I'm carrying a few extra pounds, I conseal them behide black clothes & hold your belly in pants" ha ha

 

Dont let HL consume you like I did... your 29, a billion males on this planet (including me) would give their right arms to be 29 again,,, Try enjoy life, hair or no hair !!!

[StaggerLee123]

Get new friends.

[StaggerLee123]

Get some new friends.

[almostdone99]

Brother,

 

I had a similar friend who chastised me to my face, but mostly behind my back. Bottom line, get rid of your friend; I did.

 

Also, I use a 7mm guard(shortest I can go without scars showing) and dermatch. My hope is to eventually use a 3mm guard after getting SMP to cover up the damaged donor area.