Telling your partner about wanting a hair transplant

[runwithscissors]

Hi, this is a first time post from a long-time lurker. Firstly thanks for this site, it's a fantastic resource!

 

Basically I want some advice on broaching the idea of a hair transplant to my fiance. I'm 28, a NW3, been on propecia for 6 months and have decided to go ahead with a FUE procedure in the next few months. I've had a few consultations and have saved the cash. I'm in the UK and am currently choosing between Feriduni, Bisanga, DeVroye (or perhaps H&W or Feller if I decide to go across the pond). The question of which doctor to choose I will save for another thread however.

 

My biggest worry is bringing up the subject and what to say that will win her over to the idea. It also doesn't help that we are saving for a wedding and I keep harping on about how we need to save for that and keep costs low. A hair transplant may seem like an expensive luxury right now, and although it is selfish, I would rather put the wedding back and get a procedure well before the ceremony. The issue of being immortalised with a thinned hairline in wedding photos is one particular concern I have. We have a trusting relationship but something in me doesn't want her to think less of me, or think I'm vain for wanting this. I also imagine it may be difficult for a woman that is after all attracted to me, to see why I would want the surgery if she is happy with me the way I am. I don't want to appear neurotic.

 

Can anyone give me some advice on how to bring this up without panicking?

 

Thanks a lot in advance

[youngsuccess]

Whenever I'm uncomfortable broaching a subject with someone, I usually begin by admitting just that. Maybe say something like "Look: I need to tell you something, but I've been too nervous to bring it up."

 

Usually the other person (especially if it's a woman) will be all gentle about it: "No, it's ok. Tell me." Or something to that effect.

 

When you mention you're looking into hair restoration, she'll be relieved that it wasn't about a cheating confession or that you're gay or something, and it will seem like a minor thing. Then you just have to explain that you've done your research so that her impression of hair transplantation is up to date.

[HairIsThere]

I would bet that if you love each other enough to get married then she'll love you enough to understand where you are coming from. After all, a marriage is founded on talking with each other about every single thing so as youngsuccess said, just tell her you've really really been wanting to talk to her about something but have felt uneasy about doing so for a while. With that said however, there might be a little bit of compromising. If you let her pick out where everything goes in the house, what furniture you'll have, the colors, etc... then you just might have yourself a deal Oh, you might have to go down a few inches on that flat screen TV too....

[mmhce]

runwithscissors,

 

I had your same problem, in that my family didn't agree with what I was doing.

 

I had to think LONG and HARD, the day before the surgery, to decide, if this is what I really wanted.

 

For me, ever since I was a child, my ethno-cultural identity has been intrinsically and inextricably linked to my hair, and starting to lose my hair early (at sixteen) caused me, in my mind, to slowly lose my identity.

 

Then at my current age, I had an identity crisis.

 

And I, on that long day before the surgery, I had to realize, just what I told you above.

 

That my identity was linked to my hair.

 

But I also had to realize on the day before my surgery, that there were other aspects to my identity.

 

Like my profession, my religious beliefs, my belief in civilization and humanity.

 

What I am trying to say, is that your desire, probably stems from your childhood, your perception of your beauty, and your self-esteem.

 

Your desire, to do this is about your own perception of yourself and has lesser to do with your fiance's perception of you.

 

She WILL ALWAYS say that she cares about you for you and not your hair.

 

So expect this.

 

Also expect her to oppose you on this basis, or that of the need for finances on the upcoming wedding. If she seemingly doesn't oppose you, still be careful.

 

One option would be to do the ceremony and honeymoon and then after you've done your procedure you can re-new your vows in another ceremony, with pictures taken.

 

Usually the other person (especially if it's a woman) will be all gentle about it: "No, it's ok. Tell me." Or something to that effect.

 

 

Becareful, with this advice. Because a woman may exude sensitivity, but you must remember, communication is 55% body language, 38% tonality and the remaining 7%, the actual words, themselves.

 

Women speak subtly, and if she says: "No, it's ok. Tell me.", she may agree with you going for the surgery, but she may disagree on the inside.

 

Which brings us back full circle to what I initially started out saying, which is that you have to do this thing for yourself and not for her.

[imissthebarber]

I would rather put the wedding back and get a procedure well before the ceremony.

 

I think it is unlikely that she will be delighted with this aspect of it! Also if it is put back there could be a lot of explaining that needs to be done. If you are not happy talking to her about it then how will you explain it to friends and family.

 

Obviously I am not saying you should rush into getting married but if a wedding date is put back people get curious/worried.

[youngsuccess]

Originally posted by mmhce:

 

Usually the other person (especially if it's a woman) will be all gentle about it: "No, it's ok. Tell me." Or something to that effect.

 

 

Becareful, with this advice. Because a woman may exude sensitivity, but you must remember, communication is 55% body language, 38% tonality and the remaining 7%, the actual words, themselves.

 

Women speak subtly, and if she says: "No, it's ok. Tell me.", she may agree with you going for the surgery, but she may disagree on the inside.

 

 

 

He wanted advice on how to broach the subject without panicking; I can't attempt to psychoanalyze what her reaction will be to the actual admission of wanting a hair transplant.

 

Usually being honest about feeling nervous will elicit that kind of response from a caring partner. Whether or not she's warm or sympathetic after that point is another story entirely.

[runwithscissors]

Thanks all for the responses. I can see that approaching the subject from a nervous and slightly humble angle helps. I just wish I had an ace up my sleeve - something that really justifies wanting one without appearing either vain or insecure (normally I wouldn't consider myself to be either of these things - but hair is the exception to the rule in my case). As for it being something rooted in childhood - perhaps you are right, I do remember being told as a small child how I would lose my hair like my father. I suppose I've always had a sense of anxiety about that.

 

A few practical things. As for putting the wedding back - no date has been set, no budget fixed (hell we are still trying to decide what year). Realistically no transplant means we can get married next summer, with a transplant probably the year after. I have a good job and we have no other major expenses, but still, transplants aren't cheap.

 

As for the pschoanalysis. One of the things that made me bring this up is that I spoke to an older female friend the other day that had recently had a tummy tuck. She was talking about how her partner had looked after her so well after the operation. It seemed strange that she should be so open about surgery but I would be horrified to tell someone that I was considering a hair transplant. Almost like a sign of weakness. I know this has been covered elsewhere on the forums but the taboo about the subject I still find extremely strange. I (like I imagine most people on these forums) would love to just get it done in secret and hide away until it grows in.

 

Blerg. My ambivalence about the surgery is stressing me out. Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Thanks again for the help.

[Marvin]

In the USA, women generally care a lot about their weddings. This is something that our culture encourages little girls to dream about. So I would never want to tell an American woman that something I want to do would delay her wedding, which she probably views as the single most important day of her life.

 

Maybe in the UK it is different. And obviously not all people are the same. But I would not risk saying such a thing.

[Marvin]

I can certainly see where you are coming from, though. Not only are you going to be immortalized in your wedding picture, but you are probably going to see a lot of people at your wedding who you haven't seen in years.

 

I dread the day, 5-10 years from now, when I meet somebody I haven't seen from high school or college, and they'll see that I have gone bald.

[mgem]

I know what you are going through, vanity,guilt spending alot of money on yourself in such bad economic times. There will always be something better to spend the money on always!!. But from my own experience telling my wife was one of the best things i have done, i mentally tortured myself for weeks about telling her what i was going to do and how much it was going to cost, she told me to go for it because she knew how important it was to me. If you get chance have a look at one of my first posts and replies under " secret ht" i hope it helps. good luck mgem

[Raphael84]

Im a little more solid on my views on this, and I dont feel that it is through naiveity.

 

I like you, have told my girlfriend, my parents are aware, but nobody else. Not my sister, not my best friends, not anybody!

 

A wedding is undeniably a difficult subject, but with no specific date set, you have more room to maunovre. If it was I in your situation, I would insist on waiting. Apologies if this sounds selfish, that is not my intention. Im a very caring person and my girlfriend always comes first. But, I know my girlfriend would understand. This is possibly, the most important and special day of your life, why would you go into this feeling so uncomfortable. Im sure if your fiance felt as uncomfortable about something, and you knew how genuine her feelings were, if she asked you to wait 6/12 months, Im sure you would. I know I would.

 

Whilst you must be prepared for every possible outcome and reaction. There is a chance that in your head, you are making this out to be much worse than it really is. She may be totally accepting and understanding.

 

I know personally, appearance on my wedding day has been on my mind many times before regarding hairloss, and Im not yet engaged!

[Dewayne]

My wife has been pretty great about it (but I did support her "eye job" and promise a "boob job" a little later.

 

When we first got married, I still had a loan payment of about $130 on my first transplant. Finally she broke down and asked me about it after a few months of marriage. But she was cool about it all through everything.

 

I'd try to get her to sympathize with your situation by asking her to think about how she'd feel about losing her hair, or a breast, etc. It's not really about looks so much as confidence. Hell, I hated being bald in front of my poker buddies and I don't have a homosexual bone in my body. So, it's not a vanity thing. Try and get her to see that, you might be pleasantly surprised.

[runwithscissors]

Thank you all for your responses, it's good to hear some feedback from people who have been in a similar situation. As for the wedding situation, I think if the only reason for delaying the wedding turns out to be financial (rather than emotional) then that'll be less of a problem for her. Both our parents will either understand about the delay (especially in these economic times) or if they are feeling really generous, cough up some cash to help pay.

 

Either way, I will try to pluck up the courage to bring the subject into conversation in the next few days and then see where I am from there. Thanks again

[hairthere]

Some people have to look back at their wedding photos from say, the 70s and the 80s, and see themselves with ridiculous hairstyles or powder blue tuxes. in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter--i'velooked at my wedding photos maybe once in the last 5 years since getting married. buy yourself a nice tux, and spend the rest of the money on a great reception and/or honeymoon.

[TheEmperor]

RWS,

 

I think you are in trouble. Money and how you manage it is an important part of relationships. It can also be a source of stress and breakups.

 

Hair Transplant vs. wedding? Good luck. If you wear the pants, you may be able to force what you want, but probably not a good precedent.

 

You want her to buy into postponing your wedding so you can have 15K of surgery before you walk down the aisle. Imagine if she came to you and said, I want lipo, boobs, and lips before we get married. We need to postpone the wedding for a year.

 

What if it does not go as planned? HT seldom goes exactly as planned, especially with FUE.

 

I think you know that once you get married, the HT will get harder to justify.

 

This situation is difficult and unfortunate. Does anyone need hair?