Dating-real world and online!

[Uk_lad]

A little background, I have been losing my hair since I was 18, im now 27.For years I tried to cover it up and it ruined my life, I was scared to go out in the wind or rain, constantly needed to check if the gel was holding, would never sleep at friends etc it affected my life in so many negative ways. I eventually built up the courage and just buzzed it off at the age of 25, it was great, best thing i could have done, i got a few comments from my friends but in generally they have been great and i got my freedom back. I think I look quite good, I suppose I have gone from an 7 or 8/10 to a 5 or 6 out of 10 looks wise.

 

This is where my problem is really, I used to get women fall for me all the time, I never had to ask girls out because they would come to me-my hair was probably my defining feature. I then met an amazing woman and spent four years with her, in that time my hair disappeared really. We broke up 2 1/2 years ago.

 

I have just started to feel like i want to start dating again, but it's not like before, there seems to be very little interest in bars and online. I'm finding it very hard, the only thing that has changed about me is my hair, so this must be why it's so hard, no other variables have changed.

 

I used to see bald guys with really hot girls and think, ooo if they have, then i can, but thinking about it, if you date a girl when you have hair, it is highly unlikely four years down the line the girl would dump you because you lose it-but the question is, would she ever have dated that person if he had no hair to begin with?

 

I'd appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in my shoes because at the moment i feel like i am going to be dieing alone surrounded by cats! lol

 

I also have massive regrets over how when i had a full set of hair and during the early stages of loss i had such little confidence in my looks, so one bit of advice I can give back to anyone reading this is that when you first start losing, please don't obsess. with most people it is a long process and people won't notice for years, grow your fringe etc slightly longer, get meds if you want and forget about it and enjoy life!

[Spanker]

What be level are you now. Are you considering a transplant. Have you decided to shave your head? Have you tried dating slightly older women?

[Spanker]

I did obsess at the early onset of hairless. I decided to do something about it.

Edited September 21, 2012 by Spanker

[Uk_lad]

I don't know levels that well, but i suspect ill end up a N6. I have been buzzing my hair 1 at the sides and two on top. Yes I like older women, last woman I hooked up with was 45, but couldn't have a serious relationship with somone that old as I eventually want to get married and have kids etc! A transplant is not for me really, I have accepted my hair loss and just learnt to deal with it- but this end product is getting me down!

[Spanker]

Have you thought about meds? I have seen it really bounce some guys back.

[TakingThePlunge]

It's been said here many times before that even more than the physical changes that occur with hair loss, it's probably the hit that our self-esteem and confidence take that really affects our social lives.

 

I had a similar experience as you. The sad part for me is that I squandered my best hair years wearing hats. It wasn't until my late teens and early twenties when I grew my hair long that I also began to draw a lot of attention from women and I was loving it until my hairline disappeared in a few short years.

 

By that time, I had a lot of confidence and easily transitioned to a more sophisticated, short-haired look and was able to maintain that for the next few years and still feel attractive. Then my mid thirties hit and it was all over. By that time i was in a long-term relationship and it rarely bothered me until I was single again at 40. Boy that was tough but hair transplants and a return to physical fitness dug me out of the rut I'd fallen into.

 

Now I've been married for a year. My wife is 10 years younger and we plan to start a family as soon as we relocate.

 

You are still young. Think about hair loss medications, maintain your physical fitness and maybe consult with a hair restoration surgeon to see if you are a good candidate. You've got lots of good years ahead of you.

 

Good luck!

[s2thoudriver]

Hi,

 

Woh woh woh fella, you are in the downward spiral, so lets try and help you out of that, as you won't get women in this frame of mind.

 

I feel your pain here and can see how anxiety has built up and confidence dropped, BUT, it's important that you don't spend your life focusing on it.

 

Ok, what you are doing is looking for something to blame your lack of female interest on and the obvious thing is your hairloss. This is wrong, because all you will do from here on is blame your hair loss and focus all your attention to your scalp, beating yourself up and ultimately making the situation worse.

 

Did your long term girlfriend say to you when you split up "you know what, i love you, but the fact you have less hair means i'm leaving you"? I bet she didn't.

 

Lets get a few facts to you, to help you re-think things logically......

 

From what you've posted, i have seen a VERY obvious fact that you have overlooked here... You are 27, been split up 2 1/2 years after 4 year relationship... so you met when you were about 21 right? and before then women threw themselves at you right?...think about it, when you were 18-21, you were at college, where you spent all day and night with groups of horny 18-21yr old girls, everyone had no responsibilities other than how drunk they were going to get and who they were going to get with that night. Most people experienced this, with hair or without hair. I've got news for you...after the age of 24, the chances of successful pulling is dramatically reduced for everyone.

 

You are also at the age that i like to call the 'dry zone'.. most people of a similar age are in relationships, or looking to get married, are married, or are starting to have children, drastically reducing the number of 'suitable candidates'. I found 28-32 the hardest as you are trying to attract the younger available ones, but face stiff competition, or get with older ones with baggage.

 

The other thing i'll mention briefly here is social media. In the last 5 years, the likes of facebook and dating websites have completely changed the dating game. It is now like shoe shopping for women. They have the power to pick and choose who they want, when they want, where they want and how they want. Us men are so obsessed with getting women into bed, we basically put ourselves on a plate, 24/7, 365 days a year. This will only get worse with more blackberrys, iphones and on-line methods of meeting a wider audience. Again, this increases competition out there, BUT, if you are clever, you can use it as a tool to increase opportunities too.

 

Now, onto another point you made... I too have spent years looking at bald guys and wondered how they have ended up with stunning women and through lots of study, have realised that it is for a simple reason:

 

They are confident within themselves, don't hide the fact they have no hair and have the right personality to win the hearts of women, simple.

 

Now, there are number of other contributing factors which have brought the hairless guy and the stunning girl together, that guys simply overlook, these are:

 

They might work together so have got to know each other over time

They were introduced through the same social circle

Women simply like the shaved head look

The woman might have very low confidence herself and avoid 'male model types'

She might look like she's enjoying their company but really wants to be at home watching tv

They might actually be an escort!!

 

Lets flip it the other way... I have many many female friends and love analyzing their behaviours and thoughts on the whole dating thing. One thing they always say is that the male model types (usually with a thick head of hair) have a great six pack, but zero personality. Great to look at, rubbish to be with.

 

Real women like real men, simple.

 

What you need to do is build up your social confidence, surround yourself with fun, bubbly people who relax when out and don't pester girls in bars (they hate that). Be happy with yourself and the rest will follow.

 

Bars are notoriously bad for meeting women. When groups of women go out, they like to go out, drink and dance with their friends, not try and pick up guys (not the decent ones anyway). I know what you are thinking 'there are 100 women in this bar and non of them want me' right? Some of them might, but women aren't as forward as men about it! Then there's the probability of getting with one of the 100 women......

 

Think of it statistically... if there are 100 women in a bar, 50 of them will be in relationships or married, 10 of them might be gay, 15 of them will not be your type, for 15 of them you will not be their type, leaving 10 women. Of that 10 women, 5 won't be looking for a relationship at that time, leaving 5, of which all 5 are being hit on by blokes.

 

If you change the way you think when going out and accept that the stats are reduced and it will never be like the golden years of 18-21, it makes it a heck of a lot easier.

 

Just enjoy the night out and when women see you are a fun, relaxed guy, they are naturally drawn to you, hair or no hair!!

 

We all look back at our youthful pictures and think 'i was good looking back then', but look at women now and back then too!

 

As an author on dating once wrote 'remember, you are the prize'

 

As for the comments on the passport photo, just reply 'yeah, good job i can carry it off with less hair hey'

 

Chin up fella, we've all been there. Hope i've managed to make you think differently about things.

 

Rob

[Uk_lad]

Thanks guys for your advice. I have tried meds before, I used rogain foam and it seriously irritated my scalp. I went to a 'private' doctor at great expense four years ago, he gave me a prescription and said take one a day, as the label read too, i was naive and thought he knew what he was on about, so I took one a day, and had bad side effects. I went back to him and told him about them and he said cut the tablets in half, I decided to just get off them. A year or two later i found this website, and realised the fool had prescribed me 5mg instead of 1mg. So for 3 months i was on 5 times the dose. That bad experience, and the reading I have since done has kind of put me off-anyway I think it's a bit late for me, my NW6 pattern is quite visible.

 

I love to exercise and it does wonders physically and mentally ( I think its because hair loss means you lose control, but with exercise YOU are back in control and you get visible results), I was going 3x weekly for two years, was the fittest I had ever been, then 11 months ago I got struck down with glandula fever and pneumonia, and haven't physically recovered enough due to lasting fatigue to get back in the gym. I have set myself a target of January 2013, but I will have to see how I am feeling, I'm not hopeful.

 

Ironically, I am quite happy with my looks now, I am more confident than I have been in a long time, if I had a GF/wife, my hairloss would honestly not bother me at all any more; I have learnt to live with it. What is affecting me is my inability to attract anyone (woman in her 20's or early 30's) who seems willing to date a 27 year old bald guy!

[Uk_lad]

Cheers rob you put a lot of things into perspective and that's an extremely insightful post.

 

I agree with you about the bar thing, A LOT of profiles on dating websites state they are fed up of the 'type' of guy they are meeting in bars, hence why they are on dating websites. I also find these websites one dimensional, it's ALL about looks, I'm guilty of it and so is the majority of people on there. This is a contradiction to my type though, off course I need to be attracted to someone, but I go for the quirky innocent type, something you can't sense that well online-just feels quite soulless and one dimensional. It also gets rid of one of the best feelings when you meet someone and have that instant attraction, which is like electric through your body. Come to think of it I don't like dating websites at all, but am struggling with alternatives.

 

Yes it is definitely a hard age, especially when all my friends are in long term relationships and starting families, something I really want to do myself.

 

I also agree about the fact I need to broaden my interests and hobbies, my work is male dominated, so it's impossible to meet anyone at work. I will start to think of positive interests i can elaborate on that might introduce me to knew people.

 

Thanks for your kind words

[s2thoudriver]

You are welcome. Here are a few things i have noticed on dating websites i have seen and from women i know on them...

 

- Not all women on dating sites are looking for a relationship

- Lots just set up profiles to chat to guys when they are bored, they then have girlie - nights to make fun at guys or play games with them.

- Some are only on there because they want a free meal and drinks

- Others on there are actually married!

- Some are just wanting no strings fun, so will go for the 6 pack guys all day long

 

The ones i know who are genuinely looking for a decent guy will be interested, BUT, they have to pick you email out of the 370 they have received that day from desperate s3x pests who spam messages to loads of women. If the woman hasn't read your message, it's probably been lost in the pile of them.

 

Another major problem with those sites is the perception people have of you and you of them. For instance, if you start chatting to someone, you build up an image in your head of what you THINK that person it like, based on the replies, the few pictures and the profile blurb... or should i say... what you would like them to be like. They do the same... So, when you actually meet up with them, there is a very strong chance that you will not hit it off. It's nothing to do with how you look, it's just that the person sat in front, is not the same as the person created in the mind.

 

However, from my previous experience, dating sites are not good places to meet a love match, but are good places to meet new people who could end up being friends...who have friends...who have friends ;-) I am very close friends to a woman i once dated and have met another new crowd.

 

I personally believe only natural selection works, or, if you are on a dating site, agree to meet up within the first 48hrs, before your/their imagination gets carried away.

 

Remember this... fate has nothing to do with looks and you can't force fate with tools like dating sites etc.

 

Few good social things i have found to meet new people... Buy things off Groupon, as most people our age range do, so for example, i bought a boot camp package last year, i turned up and there were about 50 people all single, doing the same thing! Same applies for random things like zorbing, go-carting, spa days etc etc. Get a multi-gym pass, so you can train at 2 locations, meet different people there. Join a photography course (very popular with the innocent/cultured woman these days) or help out at a local animal sanctury. There are plenty of things.

 

The golden rule when feeling down and lonely is..... KEEP BUSY AND PLAN AHEAD, whatever it is! Once you start self loathing, it's hard to escape it!!

 

I'll be keeping an eye on how you are getting on and if you need a chat just email me and i'll do my best to reply when i'm not in the gym, on the sunbed, out for food, at boot camp....... you get the idea ;-))

 

Keep smiling

 

Rob

[Uk_lad]

cheers mate, will do! Going to try to get out there and do more things; rather than work, study and going to bar!

[hairshopeing]

Hey m8,

I can fully understand where your coming from,and although you say you wouldn't be bothered by your hairloss if in a relationship or married etc I think you'd probably find that wouldn't be the case! Mine started to recede pretty rapidly at 18 -22 and at the time I had long hair,never been thick hair like some of my friends had but ok! At them times I did really well with women,never had a problem pulling in bars or clubs and always with nice looking girls!! However inside I was always self conscious of my hair situation nicely helped out by my bunch of piss taking mates telling me in 2 years time your gonna be bald!!! But I'd laugh it off and just remind them who once again had pulled and who hadn't! This sort of gives u qdos in group of mates,rightly or wrongly lads look up to the guy who gets the most girls!!! At 22 I shaved my head,and kept it like that for 4 to 5 years,down to a grade 1 on occasions and still the piss taking and constant reminders came!!! But so to did the girls!!! I settled down at about 25 to 26 with my now wife and am very happily married with 2 children,and my hair is pretty much the same as when I was 22 and I'm now 37,I stopped shaving my head when I was about 26 and now just have normal length hair! Obviously now I don't go pulling young girls in bars anymore,but I'm sure if I was put back in that situation I probably could!!! The reason being,I was never the best looking guy in my group,some of my friends are very good looking lads and have always had thick full heads of hair,but I was the funniest,and to other people the most confident,so yeah I had to work harder than some of my other friends might of but would always be more successful then them!!! What girls like in a guy is confidence,simple,someone who's not arrogant but confident and funny!!! Confidence can either be there or be portrayed,I was and am still not overly confident due to hairless problems but have the ability to potray that I am super confident as I have done for the last 15 years!!! What you have got to accept is no one and I mean no one gets every girl them want or try to,but u gotta take the knock backs and just think there loss,and if it's because of your hairloss then they don't deserve your time of day anyway!!! I agree that bars and defiantly clubs are not the best way to meet women these days,gyms,shopping,friends of friends and everyday life is probably going to be the best way to meet someone, just get chatting wherever you see someone you like never mind how random it may be and try and be upbeat,confident and funny even if inside you may not feel that way! Girls like guys who are or are having fun!!! So if as you say,your quite happy with your hair situation or even if your not,try and have fun and believe me you will get your pick of the single available girls!! Not all of them,but a good majority!!! Being married to my beautiful wife and having 2 fantastic kids makes me happy,but my hair situation makes me as sad as ever,and I thinks sometimes,get a grip,why are you bothered!!! But annoyingly I am!!! And won't be truly happy until it's resolved which I'm in the process of sorting!!! But till then,I'm just gonna follow the advice iv given and fake it till I make it!!!! Good luck with it!!! And keep your chin up!

[Uk_lad]

Thanks for your reply hairshoping. Another very interesting read, which puts stuff into prospective. Losing your hair makes you think/do, actions that you would not normally logically do. Good luck in your chosen path to resolve your hair loss, and by the sounds of it, you are already a very lucky man.

[MrJobi]

You really just need to enjoy dating and realize "everyone is not going to like you."

 

- your hair

- your car

- your height

- your job

 

There is no end! All you can do is try to be the " best you" and work on getting better. There are tall , hairy guys who get rejected too . Life is not fair and dating is a numbers game. The minute you accept the fact that some women will like you and some won't, it will make your life much easier. Dating in school or college was different because you have constant DIRECT contact with woman in your EXACT demographic most of which are date-able. Fast forward to adult life and you really don't have that . Bars don't count as everyone is on the defense and then you have to deal with all of the other factors as well.

 

The best thing - there are soooo many women out there!!! Find some women who enjoy a similar interest as you - this is the easiest way to find someone to click with . Have fun!!!!

[Uk_lad]

Thanks, in need of some encouragement, as back on there! Any tips for messages etc from guys that have been successful, I seem to get a lot of 'meet me' (16 in three days) but nobody ever replies to my messages, including the women who have clicked on the meet me!!!!! lol

[MrJobi]

Hi

 

Are you talking about "online " dating? That is a numbers game hands down! I have done it for a while on and off and there is no rhyme or reason.

 

One thing I have learned is do not invest too much into one person before meeting them. Exchange a couple mails and meet . If not , you can waste a lot of time on someone who is not your type!

[Uk_lad]

Yeh it is online....it seems girls I could get with in a bar, just ignore you online.....it's like the 6 and 7's start to think they are 9's or something!!! lol Is there an optimum profile length...I think mine might be too long!

[MrJobi]

Id say be yourself , sound interesting and fun but be a bit vague. Online dating is a numbers game, until they are at a bar with you - don't take it personal. Some of them probably aren't even real profiles .

 

I'd say 20% look like their photos - Go to some meetups on Meetup.com , at least you will see the person .

[Uk_lad]

So I gave online dating another shot and would love to say it's been a success, but after last night I feel extremely low and depressed.

 

I have had four dates with different girls now, I'd say three were 7's and one was an 8! One of the sevens liked me and I gave it a fair chance going on three dates, i liked her just didn't feel the sexual chemistry and she said FOUR times in no uncertain words 'i dont want to end up alone' that put me off for a number of obvious reasons.

 

So i'll get to the rejections, all three have said the same thing 'no spark,' but what i have felt more or less instantly is a lack of interest, before I have even had the chance to muck things up with anything stupid I have said. My date last night no word of a lie, within five minutes started talking about how bad pof is and how she had been mucked around by guys on it and how she is considering going on match as it might be better! I feel into the trap of messaging her a lot because we couldn't meet up quickly due to circumstances, she really liked me and i really liked her (virtually), we got on great via messages and had a laugh. But within 30 seconds i felt she wasnt interested and five minutes she was telling me about her new dating plans, the only logical explanation is looks!!!!! (something that was never a problem when i had hair) It has hurt because i felt a bond with her, i had invested a lot of time and to be rejected so quickly without even been given a chance is hard to take, it's not even as if it was a 50/50, it was 100%. Looking at my pictures i believe they are a fair reflection of what i look like (obviously you pick the pictures where you are tanned etc) and she was fatter than her pictures showed.

 

That date before this went very similar, lack of interest almost instantaneously, talked about not liking online dating, etc.

 

the rejection texts go as follows, had good time, your a nice guy but didnt feel any spark, have a nice life!

 

I just don't get how a girl can go from so keen to totally uninterested in 30 seconds-and not even be willing to give me a chance, the only explanation is looks and that makes me feel like crap, because she was no megan fox herself!!!

 

So my advice to others is like was said above, never invest too much time into someone before you have met-meet asap because meeting someone in real life is totally different from online.

I'd also suggest paid website over free ones, my hit rate was much higher on match than pof. The women seem classier too!

[chrisdav]

Uk_lad,

 

I wouldn't cut yourself up about it. Don't take it personally and don't let it damage your ego.

 

It doesn't matter who you are, at some stage all guys have been knocked back by females and they will continue to get knocked back from women from time to time however eligible they may appear to be.

 

You just have to take it on the chin and move onto the next one. Sooner or later, your perserverance will help you stumble across a smoking hot lady :cool:

[Uk_lad]

thanks for your kind words.

 

I have deleted my account, I could honestly 'man up' and take rejection if i felt like I was given a fair shot and we just didn't have anything in common or no 'spark!'

 

But to be rejected instantaneously and for her to go out of her way to diffuse any 'sparks' is a hard pill to swallow! You can have no spark, because there is no spark or like what's happened to me, you can have no spark, if one of the other people have no intention whatsoever of having a spark due to such lack of interest! (if you get what I am saying)

 

At this moment in time I feel like I will be alone forever, my sister has even kindly offered to pay for a Hair Transplant anywhere in the world, but even that is useless for me as I am a poor candidate and not on propecia!

[chrisdav]

You know what women are like. For example. you could have had the wrong colour shoes on with your shirt untucked . Guys are more laidback, not like that and their opinion on women is relatively coherant in comparison to female opinion on guys.

 

It is difficult because sometimes women if they don't feel you are right will tell you anything to avoid conflict and hurt your feelings. Therefore the chances are the answer they give you for it not working out may or may not be true.

 

Besides just tell the women what they want to hear- works for me

[JohnSheikh]

well I have not been in your shoes, but will not be the age factor in count? why just hairs>