jokes..

[Kez]

Phew.....haven't logged in for awhile, and find you awash with jokes...so here's another:

 

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We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

 

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

 

I go out to the taxi, while my husband went inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with my husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I don't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

 

So, I explained to the taxi driver that he will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

 

A few minutes later, he gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

 

The cab driver hit a parked car..

[petesman]

is that true?? haha

[Mr. GQ]

ah man this section was a happy part of town once upon a time.....

 

notgoing2gobald and chucky what happend to these guys? where are they now? anyone?

[jupiter_jessica]

very funny jokes...thanks guys!

[GTDL]

I think it's time to get the jokes flowing once again, new members like myself can bring plenty more to the table, here's a classic Irish one that you may not have heard across the pond.

 

When God had created the Earth, he stood back and gazed down upon it with a satisfied smile. One of his angels came to his side and said 'That's beautiful! What is it?'

God: 'This is Earth, my proudest creation yet. It shall be a place where my children shall go to learn and grow. For every good, there shall be bad, for every day, there shall be night, for every winter, there shall be summer, for every positive, there shall be negative.'

The angel then pointed towards a small dot in the North Atlantic and said 'What is that?'

God: 'Ahhhhh, that! That is my favourite little creation on this planet, that I have named Ireland. A land where the lakes are clear, the fields are green and the skies are blue. My very best work as far as the eye can see.'

Angel: 'But I don't get it, you said that for every positive, there shall be negative. There is no negative with this.'

God: 'Ah but there is! Wait until you see the neighbours I'm giving them!'

[GTDL]

And just for the record, I do in fact like the English people I've met, despite what God had in mind ha ha!

[Janna]

Nice one.

[Dewayne]

Why spelling is so important. Click Attachment below.

[Dewayne]

Here's another funny one...

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it..

 

The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a break even.

 

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[Mr. GQ]

haha i liked both. but here is one for you GTDL.

 

somewhat chubby irish guy comes to london england for the fist time to check out the city. walking around town he stopped in front of a booth with a sign saying "insert 1 pound (coin) ??“ loose 1 pound (weight)". looked like a nice deal so he went for it, popped the coin in, and from the booth a stunning blonde in thong showed up with the sign "you catch me ??“ then you f*** me!". he chased after her for an hour but couldn't catch her. he realized that he did loose a pound. so he came back to the booth and decided to drop 2 coins this time. now this time even more stunning girl came out with thong and no bra but again with the same sign "you catch me ??“ then you f*** me!" and he started chasing after her right away, this time for two hours but with no prevail. realized he just lost another two pounds of weight he decides that this time he'll insert 100 pounds into the booth just to see what's going to happen. the irishman dropped the 100 pounds bill into the slot and started contemplating what kind of goddess will pop out of the booth this time. few seconds later a young lean black dude with a huge dong comes out of the booth with the sign "i catch you - then i f*** you!"

 

poor irishman.....

[GTDL]

HA HA HA! Nice one Mr. GQ! But now I must fire one back at ya!

So here goes:

 

A college of surgeons was looking for a brain with which to do research on. There were three brains available, an Irish man's, a Scottish man's and an English man's. The price tag for the Irish man's brain was ??500, the price tag for the Scottish man's brain was also ??500. The English man's brain cost ??10'000. An English surgeon stepped forward with a smug smile and proudly proclaimed 'An English man's brain must be far superior to any other given the price of one's brain. I think we'll have that on-' before he could finish, an Irish surgeon interrupted 'I don't f**kin' think so! It's only that price because it has never been used!'

[GTDL]

Three men walk into a pub, a Scottish man, an English man and an Irish man and each one of them orders a pint. With that, they all discover that there's a fly in their beer. The Scottish man picks the fly out of his pint, flicks it away and continues drinking. The English man hands back the pint and demands another on the house. The Irish man lifts the fly out and starts shaking it viciously shouting 'COUGH IT UP YOU THIEVING WEE BASTARD!'

[GTDL]

This isn't a joke as such. But a guy at work e-mailed it to me and I thought it was good:

 

We always hear 'The Rules' from the woman's point of view, well here's an alternative opinion:

 

Please note, these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

 

* Subtle hints do not work!

* Strong hints do not work!

* Obvious hints do not work!

* JUST SAY IT!

 

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, REALLY!

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

 

* Sex

* Sport

* Cars

* or Computers

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

 

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[candy rain]

A man who knows his math

 

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to bumper

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so.

[DarknessTomorrow]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front

of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall

of clocks behind him.

 

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone

on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands

on your clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,

indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

 

"And whose clock is that one?"

St Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.

The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told

only two lies in his entire life."

 

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a

ceiling fan."

 

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