jokes..

[chucky]

Got to go guys and answer some PMs elsewhere.

Keep the jokes flowing and Petesmans a few American jokes please.

[Janna]

Nice Petesman! Thanks!!!

 

No, you should do all the stupid englishmen jokes. Oh, there's probably too many.

[petesman]

ok i post one american one and one english one.. i deserve one or 2

as ive ripped the pisss out of my own country for a few pages..

 

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it first."

[petesman]

an english man, an irish man, an old woman and a swedish blonde with huge breasts are traveling on a train,, the train enters a dark tunnel, theres a loud smack and when the train emerges from the other side the english man is holdin his face as if hes after recieving a punch..

 

the englishman thinks to himself ' maybe the irishman beside went to feel the swedish girls breasts in the tunnel and she thought it was me and punched me?'

 

the old woman thinks that the english man must have tried to feel up the swedish girl and she smacked him!

 

the swedish girl thinks to herself that english man must have went to feel me up but felt up the old woman by mistake and she smacked him!

 

the irishman is thinkin, ha, this is great craic, i cant wait for another tunnel to smack the english lad again!!

[Janna]

hahaha - loved both of your new jokes Petesman.

 

Easy to understand the Irish guy wanting to smack the english lad, I'm quite sure it was Chucky. You deserve to tell as many stupid Chucky jokes as you like. Thanks again for the laughs.

[chucky]

janna few have tried to smack me but not succeeded as i`m a fast runner.

[chucky]

Magistrate: 'But if you saw janna driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'

Chucky: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'

[Janna]

Chucky, you'll have to keep going in front of the Magistrate because I'll keep you guessing.

[chucky]

 

 

My thoughts on the matter.

[Janna]

Your video makes me want to visit Newcastle just so I can be on the road at the same time as you Chucky.

[chucky]

janna,could you give me notice if you do decide to visit and i`ll ask the council to change all the lamp posts and road signs to rubber ones.

[Janna]

No, the element of surprise and the sheer look of terror on your face when you see me on the road will be priceless.

[chucky]

In that case i had better keep some spare diapers(think thats how its spelt)in the car in case there is an accident.

[chucky]

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

[chucky]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

 

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

 

 

Petesman where you gone?

[Janna]

Nice one Chucky, thanks for keeping us laughing.

[chucky]

Heres one for you janna

 

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

 

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

 

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

 

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

 

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

 

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

 

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

 

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Janna]

Haha - funny!! I like it cuz there is a lot of truth to it.

[petesman]

im back, sorry chucky/janna i was in the real world there for the last couple of days, scary!!!! anyway im alright and feels good to be back.. ill post a joke or to later.. im being called away for a few hours,, see yaz chafter

[chucky]

Hi mate

Good to see you back

 

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

 

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

 

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

 

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

[petesman]

on the first night of their honeymoon the bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

 

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.

 

And then they made love for the first time.

 

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

 

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

 

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

 

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.

 

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

 

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

 

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a fucken life sentence,

OKAY!

[petesman]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[petesman]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.. she'd been hinting for a new car for months.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

[Janna]

Great jokes Petesman. Wecome back. Thanks again Chucky and Petesman, you guys are awesome!

[chucky]

Hi Petesman

 

great jokes.