Senior Member Acrobaz Posted March 1, 2009 Senior Member Share Posted March 1, 2009 The scene: a kitchen table in a non-descript semi-detached somewhere in the UK. On the table is a half consumed bottle of white wine, some leftover tortilla chips and a metal implement that looks like it has emerged from a medieval torture chamber. Slumped across the table is a middle-aged man, positioned as if in prayer, yet unattractively dressed in a dressing gown and socks. Upon closer inspection, something metallic appears to be gleaming from the back of his head. In walks a beautiful woman, dressed smartly (skirt, top, knee high boots); she has clearly lived, yet has retained the soft contours of her youth. She speaks. Woman: Ready? Man: No. (He emits a strange noise. It might be a whimper.) Woman: Come on, you've been in the bath for over an hour, drinking wine! It must be soaked by now. Your head's all wrinkly at the back. It's like a big testicle. (Speaks to herself: 'Quite apt really.') Man: Look, I just want to get it over with. I'd like a decent night's sleep for starters. Woman: Are you absolutely sure? Man: Yes. I don't want that bloody nurse in the local surgery doing it. She's like a pro wrestler. And she'd think I was vain. Or weird. Or both. Woman: Well, it's your call. Come on then. Where do we start? Man: You saw that video posted by Spex on YouTube. That shows how to do it. Just copy that. Woman: Are you sure a proper staple remover wouldn't be better? Or a wire cutter? I could just wrench them out with a screwdriver. Man: Stop taking the piss PLEASE and just get on with it. Woman: Don't start on me. You wanted to get this done. I liked you as you were. Man: No you didn't. You called me moon face. Woman: Only a couple of times. Man: Yes, once at Christmas dinner in front of all the in-laws, and the other at the school play. From the stage. With a microphone. Woman: You take yourself too seriously, that's your problem. You might want to be Wolverine, but I always preferred Professor Xavier. Man: Can we just get on!? Woman: Alright. (Mumbles 'Mr Grumpy' to herself.) There is a short pause. The woman concentrates. The man sweats. Man: Was that the first one out? That wasn't too bad at all! Woman: I haven't started yet. Man: So what have you been doing? Woman: Sterilizing the staple remover, you fool. You were stupid enough to take it out of the sterile packet the day you were given it. I had to sterilize it again. Man: What have you sterilized it in? Woman: Don't worry. You and your new virtual buddies on that forum will be pleased with me ??“ I did it in tea tree oil. All homeopathic. Man: Oh, ok. Woman: Like I said, all homoerotic. Man: What? Woman: Nothing. Just ??¦ well ??¦ you lot posting pictures of each other and making admiring comments. It is kind of, well, er, odd. You have to admit it. Man: We are supporting each other and there's nothing wrong with that. Woman: Yup, support. Supporty-doo-daa. Nothing wrong with that. Man: Look, JUST BLOODY WELL GET ON WITH IT WILL YOU! Woman: Don't start on me. I wanted to spend the money on a holiday. You spent it on a hairyday. Man: I am very grateful for your support. Truly. Now can we PLEASE JUST TAKE THE STAPLES OUT ??¦. AAAAAAAAGH!!!!! Woman: Oops ??¦ Man: WHAT THE BLAZES WAS THAT!!?? Woman: I dropped the staple remover, sorry. Man: What, right on the sore bit of my head??!! Woman: It was the tea tree oil. It made it all slippery, sorry. Man: That was really bloody painful! Man whimpers again. Pause. A long, difficult, Pinter-esque pause. Woman: (With cold, ice queen voice.) When you've had three children, THEN you can talk to me about pain. Man: You always say that. Look it hurt, ok. Just be CAREFUL! Woman: You can go to that wrestler at the local clinic if you want. Man: No, it's ok. Please just be careful. Woman: As you wish. By the way, do you know that there are 52 of these staples? Man: Well, I knew there was a lot, but I didn't know exactly how many. Woman: Yup. 52. I asked Dr Feller to put in one for each week of the year where you lose an argument. Man: Oh ha bloody ha. Woman positions implement carefully. It may be the lighting, but a faint smirk appears to form across her face. She places the implement beneath the first staple. Then pulls. Hard. Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! BLOODY ARSEBURGERS!!!!! Woman: WHAT NOW!? Man: You don't just YANK them out! You have to squeeze it together and it just comes away. Like in the video!! Woman: Oh, you mean like this? She squeezes gently. The staple falls away like melting butter. She does four in this way. She grins to herself, and does three more. Man: Have you started yet? Woman: Yeah, I've managed to get one out. Man: One. Excellent. I didn't feel a thing. Woman: Actually, I've done seven. Man: Will you stop enjoying this so much!! You can't have done seven! Woman: Oh, calm your jets Scarface. I've done seven. Man: Really? Woman: Really. Man: Oh. Erm, well done you. Thanks love. The process continues without further mishap. After a few minutes, the man sits up in the chair at the kitchen table. He examines the table in front of him: 52 staples. He feels gingerly around to the back of his head and then examines his hands: only a tiny amount of blood. He looks around to see his wife, smiling at him, holding the staple remover. Woman: Piece of cake, eh? Man: Thanks a lot. I really appreciate your support in all this. Sorry for getting agitated. You've been great, really. Woman: Just remember that when I next want something expensive. Man: Of course. Look, I'm sorry for all the shouting. It's just that ??¦ There is then a piercing, spine-chilling scream. Their blood runs cold. They turn around and see a small child staring at them. The small child, for her part, has surveyed the picture before her. Her father, semi-dressed, is bent over the table with a red line across the back of his head. There are droplets of blood. Her mother, in knee-high boots and a grin on her face, is standing by him with what looks like a dagger at head height. She appears to have been stapling him in the head. Girl: NOOOOO, DADDYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Father: Oh sweetheart, let me explain ??¦. Ends. 17 Feb 09 - 3,200 FUs by strip surgery (Dr Feller) My Hair Loss Website Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Senior Member richie48 Posted March 3, 2009 Senior Member Share Posted March 3, 2009 HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA nice story acro , funny as fuck !!!! Just so you know your not alone bud below is a link to my thread regarding diy staple removal , with some grusome and clear pics . http://hair-restoration-info.c...6060861/m/9141078843 hhahahaha , richie 2100 crown grafts Dr Feller nov 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Senior Member Eman Posted March 3, 2009 Senior Member Share Posted March 3, 2009 hilarious story and fun read! My initial HT thread: done and done!! Check it out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Senior Member imissthebarber Posted March 5, 2009 Senior Member Share Posted March 5, 2009 Very amusing! Also it does highlight the fact that taking the staples out is over reasonably quickly and the pain often is not as bad as expected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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