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Carlene

Should I tell him that I know about his transplant?

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Hi. I don't have a hair loss problem but I joined because this is the best community to ask my question.

 

I have been a dating a man for over a year now. I found out by accident that he had hair transplant years before I met him. It does not bother me in the least. Even without a full head of hair, I still care deeply for him.

 

Unbeknownst to him, I discovered that he had hair transplant because I saw old photos of him on his friend's facebook page. He, himself, is not on Facebook so he probably has no idea that an old photo of him pre-transplant is available online.

 

I have always wondered why he would not let me touch his head during our moments of intimacy. He would always gently brush my hand away. I thought he just didn't want his hair to be messed up. The first time I touched his scalp briefly I thought it felt strange but I didn't say anything.

 

I would really really like him to just come out and tell me about it. It's not going to change my feelings for him. We have shared a lot of secrets in our past and I'm waiting for him to one day tell me about his hair but for some reason, he is not forthcoming about it. Should I just tell him upfront that I know about it and that he has nothing to worry about? Or would that be cause for great embarrassment?

 

Can the men here please explain to me why you would find it difficult to tell a woman you've been dating for over a year about this? How would you react if your girlfriend told you that she knows and that it doesn't bother her? Will you be relieved or will it somehow change your relationship and not feel as confident with her anymore?

 

Incidentally, I revealed to him that I had a nose job when I was in my 30s. I even showed photos of him before my surgery. I thought that this would encourage him to also tell me about his hair but he never did. Should I just leave it alone? Please advise.

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Wow. What an amazingly good topic to discuss. My suggestion would be to compliment his hair a few different times first. This will makes him feel more comfortable about what he has gone through. Then you could say something like " I saw you're old facebook posts and it seems you had less hair then, your hair looks so amazing now, did you get a touch-up or something?"

Men can be very sensitive about their hair loss so complimenting him first at random times will really make him feel good and might loosen him up a bit about the experience.

Thanks for the interesting post.

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He will tell you when he feels ready. I wouldn't bait him into saying something. Does it really matter one way or another for your relationship? Women have cosmetic procedures all the time and don't talk about them - botox, breast enhancements (or reductions), liposuction, etc.


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It sounds to me like he has a hair piece. Why would he not want you touching his hair? A hair transplant is going to feel just like "normal" hair. Does he have a full head of hair now but was almost totally bald in the Facebook pic?

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It sounds to me like he has a hair piece. Why would he not want you touching his hair? A hair transplant is going to feel just like "normal" hair. Does he have a full head of hair now but was almost totally bald in the Facebook pic?

 

I agree. You shouldn't be able to tell it's a transplant by touch.

 

That said, I'm all about full honesty for couples in a strong relationship. You'll have to decide where you two are at and bake that decision. I would stay away from using the word "even." I love you even if you bald, like is a negative or like your doing him a favor.


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well if ye ever get into a right old barney about something do not under any circumstances say things like 'alright love, keep your hair on'

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Wait until he feels comfortable enough to tell you about it. Otherwise, let him think you really don't care one way or another. When he finally tells you, you will know he has reached a level where he totally trusts you to know

but Living together for a year and he hasn't brought it up? I bet it drives him insane with worry.

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I agree. You shouldn't be able to tell it's a transplant by touch.

 

That said, I'm all about full honesty for couples in a strong relationship. You'll have to decide where you two are at and bake that decision. I would stay away from using the word "even." I love you even if you bald, like is a negative or like your doing him a favor.

 

The only other thing I can think of is that he wears a lot of concealers. I know when I have that crap in my hair I don't let my wife near my hair.

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Thank you everyone for your replies. I sincerely appreciate it.

 

MagnumPi....I have complimented him on his hair many times to make him feel secure but I guess he's still not secure enough with me. :(

 

Badbeat, I just assumed he has hair transplant. If it was a hairpiece, then it is incredibly natural looking. In his old photo, he had no hair on the front and on the crown but had thick hair on the back and sides. Now he has full hair.

 

Spanker, when I said his hair felt strange to the touch....I meant to say his scalp. The actual hair feels fine...just like regular hair. But when I briefly touched the front of his scalp once, the roots felt like straw and like it had knots in it - almost like how a doll's head would feel. It's the only way I can describe it. I don't know if this means anything but once, after he showered, I noticed tiny white balls on the hair roots near his scalp. I was about to ask him what that was but I was afraid to embarrass him so I had to stop myself. Can any of you tell me what that would be?

 

Rawkerboi, we are not living together. We are just dating. If we were living together and he still has not told me, I would feel very hurt.

 

What are concealers? It looks like I have a lot to learn.

 

Now that my curiosity has been piqued....I wonder if it's a hairpiece or hair transplant. Not that it matters either way but I am curious. Can you shampoo and blowdry hairpiece while wearing it? I've seen him blowdrying his hair after a shower.

 

Thanks again to everyone who has replied.

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Hi Carlene, your inquiry has peaked my interest! You'll definitely have to report back to what is going on if you decide to ask him about it. I'm not an expert on hairpieces because I've never worn one but what you are describing really sounds like one. I believe hair pieces have sort of a "net" that is glued down and that might be what you are feeling and possibly could be those "white balls" that you describe. I believe with most hairpieces you can shower, blow-dry, and all of that.

 

Concealers are products like Toppik, Dermatch, and others. It's basically fibers that go into the hair/scalp and give a fuller appearance. They can be somewhat messy so if you touch your hair it can rub off on your hand.

 

The fact that you are saying he had no hair in front or the crown and now he has a full head of hair sounds very suspicious. Most guys here that have had transplants after they were that bald will never achieve the "full head of hair" look. It will look much better but usually there is a lack of density.

 

I feel kind of bad outing him on this but I feel he should have been more up front with you. But you sound like a very kind and caring person so just know that he's probably incredibly insecure about it so just let him know that you're okay with it and it doesn't change the way you feel. Like you said, you've had some cosmetic surgery in the past so you can relate to what he's going through.

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He's wearing a wig, period. If he weren't then the scalp would feel normal unless it was horrible procedue with bad scarring and pluggish looking grafts but even then most bad jobs don't feel like you described it. It is looks normal, as it appears to be from your tone, then it's a wig.

 

My opinion on this is, if you don't care then don't care. Let him live his life the way he chooses and it is not your place to try and "coax" this information out of him. Women always want such openess from their man until they get it so do him a favor and don't set him up for failure by pushing him to be open about something he obviously does not care to be open about. He'll tell you if/when he wants to tell you.


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Few if any people in a relationship disclose everything about their past life etc. That doesn't mean they're being necessarily dishonest, just choosing to keep certain things back. Like we all do, I guess, although your boyfriend will find it hard to keep it hidden indefinitely if he has a wig. If my girlfriend was wearing a wig and chose not to tell me, I think I'd stay clear of the subject, unless she brought it up. Also, girls have a tendency to divulge details about their boyfriends to their friends, in a gossipy, 'Sex in the City' type way that men generally don't. So he may be thinking that you may inadvertently blurt it out to one of your friends and make him a laughing stock. And another thing that occurred to me, if you've been telling him how lovely his hair is, it might make him even more nervous about you finding out. The very thing you've complimented him on, something you say you like, is not even real! If it was me, I'd think, 'Oh no, perhaps she'll go off me if she discovers my hair is not real!', or at least think a lot less of me. That would be quite a rational thing to conclude.

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I guess that's the general consensus then...I should just leave it alone. I'm quite surprised about this. I thought most of you would advise me on gently bringing up the topic. Boy, was I wrong. It's a good thing I asked or I might have made a big mistake.

 

Badbeat........don't feel bad about outing him. I agree with you that he should have been more transparent considering how he has shared everything with me -- from his childhood, his shocking teen misadventures, his contentious divorce. His hair transplant, or his hairpiece.... whatever....it's of no consequence to me. Unfortunately, you may be right about him being quite insecure. Frankly, I do not understand that since he is very attractive, very fit, is intelligent, has a great career, etc.

 

Bertie....it's true that I would compliment him on his hair every time he had a haircut. But at the same time, I would also make comments about how sexy I find Bruce Willis and Jason Statham. I'm not just saying that to "coax" him. I really do find those men quite hot.

 

Joe Tillman...thanks for telling it to me straight. I shall just leave him alone then and wait for him tell me about it if and when he ever feels comfortable enough to do so. I guess that means I can never touch his hair. This is the difficult part for me since I always like touching my man's hair when I feel affectionate. :(

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I just wanna give you props for coming on here and doing research. Bertie is right that you seem like a very nice, considerate, compassionate person - and your boyfriend is a lucky guy.

 

I'm glad to see you you've reached the conclusion to just leave well enough alone. I'm certain his decision to keep it from you has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. We all deal with our hair loss in our own way, and it means different things to different guys. Personally, I tend to be very open about my hair transplant with my friends and family, and understand that many guys don't feel comfortable doing that. It was a process for me, and I decided to tell them when I was ready. However, if I had a hair piece, I could see myself being extremely secretive about that and not wanting to tell anyone about it. Even the best intentioned "I know about your hair and love you anyway" could still seriously backfire. He'd most likely be extremely embarrassed and it'd make him even more insecure.

 

On a broader note, thanks for being the kind of person who even cares enough to seek out guidance on how to handle a situation like this. It's very refreshing to see.


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A hair transplant and a hair piece are two different things. From what I believe there many different kinds of hair pieces involving different types of maintenance.

 

My opinion you should confront him about it and tell him you don't care. If not there is a good chance you will never progress in your relationship.


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Thanks, Lorenzo. I was thinking the same thing. Our relationship might not go further if he has that hidden from me all the time.

 

The other day we were having lunch and his phone rang. He was seated across the table from me but I can read upside down and his caller id said "Hair Club for Men". He looked at his phone and turned off the screen. I casually asked who it was and he said, "This guy from work. I'll call him back later."

 

The little white lie, quite frankly, is starting to turn me off. His hair issue does not bother me at all. It's his deep insecurity which is bothering me. And sometimes I'm beginning to wonder what else he is hiding from me.

 

Maybe I'm not so understanding and compassionate after all. :(

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Bit harsh, he's obviously very distraught by his hairloss to hide it from you, if you can't accept that maybe he's not the right guy for you? I don't blame him for hiding it, I didn't tell my wife for three years and she was totally cool about it and said that she suspected but if I wasn't ready to tell her then that was fine. They are white lies and are not a deception.

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Why must couples insist on knowing minute details that really shouldn't matter? Is there no such thing as having a resemblance of privacy? Maybe I'm in the minority but if my significant other preferred not to discuss a cosmetic surgery from their past, it wouldn't bother me whatsoever and I certainly wouldn't prod at it. Insinuating that it could lead to other trust issues doesn't add up to me.

 

I don't think it should matter whether you've been married for 30 years or are on your first date - it's okay to keep some things to yourself. If it's not financially affecting your relationship, why should it matter? Some guys are open about it - good for them. Others (myself included, in case you didn't notice from the tone of this post ;)) would prefer to not let anyone know... despite countless posts that i've read on here about how this is bad for a relationship, not honest, can lead to other problems in the relationship, etc. I firmly disagree.

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My opinion on this is, if you don't care then don't care. Let him live his life the way he chooses and it is not your place to try and "coax" this information out of him. Women always want such openess from their man until they get it so do him a favor and don't set him up for failure by pushing him to be open about something he obviously does not care to be open about. He'll tell you if/when he wants to tell you.

 

I should have read your post before I even bothered responding. Perfectly said, couldn't agree more.

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Well looks like you answered your question from your first post.

What will change if he told you anyways?..does this bother you that much?

 

First year & you want him to spill the beans of his whole life? I sure there is some

Things you want to keep hush hush from your past right now correct?

 

You both need to grow day by day & when the time is right he may or may not tell you but that's his choice, same for yourself if you wanna tell him something you will do in your own time or just let sleeping dogs lie.

 

Sorry I don't mean to be rude but kinda blunt this has nothing to do with the past so both of you just grow togethere & enjoy your tthe Future going forward.

If he lie to you last night where he was that's a problem...what he did prior before you met him that's the past.

 

This for him has been a big emotional rollercoaster & he proberly want to move on & proberly with you.

 

I wish you both well for your future happyness that's what counts.

Edited by ontop
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Carlene

 

Matters that aren't ever going to go away need to be brought out in the open & let the chips fall where they may or your relationship will never go any further than it has now.

 

Marriage & or living together will be out of the question because I don't believe two people can live in the same house intimately & keep such a secret from the other.

 

Wish you luck with your decision.

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if you told him you had a nose job and he didn't reveal to you that he did something he's still uptight about sharing that information. As time goes by and you are still together I'm sure he will confide in you. Maybe say your girlfriends boyfriend had it done and he looks great and say you know I wouldn't object to a guy having it done my friend loves it and he looks so much better act like you are all for a man enhancing his looks and you don't have a problem with it . I wouldn't tell him I know he probably assumes you know anyway so why bring it up you are both enjoying each other leave it at that.

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Let it go. Just because he isn't telling you doesn't mean anything about how he feels about you - bottom line. I would no plan to tell my better half unless I had to, doesn't mean anything. HT is deeply personal, please let him be. Hopefully that's not your real name and he doesn't read this site huh!

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