Coalition Surgeons

Bill - Managing Publisher · #1 **Top** 10-22-2006, 07:36 PM

I posted this in another discussion but because this has come up a number of times, as it should, I thought I'd post my thoughts here. We are all here for a common purpose...to find information regarding ways to combat hairloss. I know personally, I am here both for support and to help support others...why? Why do we need support? It's because we are insecure about our situation. I'd venture to say that every man here is here because of how we view ourselves in regards to losing our hair. Unfortunately we do attach a certain level of value to who we are in how we look...and it's simply hard not to. Society dictates that looks are very important, and we know as men that we already have a natural longing to be attractive to the opposite sex. But even in our struggles we shouldn't and can't let our hair or lack of hair define who we are. I've seen countless posts, and I surely understand them because my life has been impacted a bit too as a result of my insecurity about hairloss, that discusses how their hairloss has affected their lives even to the point of not experiencing who they are authentically...by withdrawing, giving up, and a number of other things. I find this very sad. I know we all have different ways of looking at things, and some have allowed their lives to become more affected than others...but hopefully this message will give some level of encouragement to you all.

Interestingly enough, studies have shown that most women are much less concerned about how men look than about who they are...which is a far cry to how we view women sometimes...which is a shame. Women want an attractive man....but a real feminine woman looks for a man of strength and character, one who is confident in who they are (regardless of whether or not we are or aren't the most attractive man alive), one who will romance them, and live an adventure with them by their side.

We must remember...that even if we get our hair back, it may give us confidence for awhile...but one day, we will all be old and the older we get, the less attractive we will be to the world....in the ways of looks. So we must get our confidence from somewhere else....which should be nothing to do with our looks. Women want to be wooed by a secure confident man in who they are. In other words sexiness comes from the inside out. It is even true with men looking at women...come now...listen. What is sexier...a woman too afraid to be herself around people, sitting in the background afraid to speak for fear she might be judged? Or a woman who is having a great time enjoying life, being herself, not afraid to express her thoughts, her dreams, her desires...not afraid to try new things, to dance and move her body, etc? Sexiness is much more about who people are than how they look. Unfortunately it seems so backwards, mostly because we begin to be less confident when we feel we don't look as good as we want. But imagine if we were still confident no matter how we looked? I bet we would still find that one woman who will love us for who we are, we'd still enjoy life with good friends and family, and we'd enjoy the fruits of life without the worry that people are evaluating us which currently may or may not prevent us from doing the things we want.

I am not simply giving advice here...I'm sharing what is true. Somehow we associate our looks with who we are, and we get discouraged...and we begin to act as we feel. We associate baldness with ugliness, and ugliness with lonliness....so by association, we begin to live like lonely people....preventing others from entering our lives richly. It becomes almost like a self fulfilling prophecy. "I am bald, therefore people (mostly women we think here) will not love me". But what really draws people away from us has nothing to do with how we look....it's how we live. If we live confidently and richly, we will draw people to ourselves....but if we live withdrawing from others and timidly, surely others will feel rejected by us and won't want to be around us...which oddly enough only support our false believe that we hold true "I am bald, therefore people will not love me." If people do not love us, it has nothing to do with us being bald men...it either has to do with something wrong with the other person (not knowing how to love, etc), or there is something else in us that is preventing them from loving us...maybe we pushed them away? Maybe we were too shy to spend the time that we should have to get to know them for who they are?

More interesting facts: We have to remember...people want to be accepted for who they are...this is inclusive of ALL people....ALL women, and ALL men. Nobody is without flaws...this should give us comfort. We can bond here as balding men because we share the same ailment. But what about people who are overweight? What about women who feel their breasts are too small or too big? What about the people who have experienced scarring from acne? There are so many imperfections and insecurities and we all have them. People are people and women are no different. Even the most beautiful woman in the world (to us) if they trust us will tell us of how lonely and desparate they feel sometimes...and how they are insecure about something about themselves. Even if it's not about their looks, surely there will be something about their personality they question. So we are not alone...we all have flaws, and we all as people overanalyze them. Surely there will be the occasional woman who doesn't want to date us because they are looking for a man with more hair...but this is much more rare than we believe it. Sexiness comes from the inside out....it's who we are that matters.

None of this is to say that I disagree with making ourselves feel more confident by getting a hair transplant....look at me? I've had THREE! And oddly enough I've only told THREE people in real life including my wife! My discussion if you will is much more profound, or at least I hope...it's to hopefully help people see that we are all people, we all have flaws, and we all want to be loved for who we are. Let's not be decieved and think that getting more hair will change who we are...it's all about what we put confidence in. So let's help each other and educate one another...but please, let's see the value in who we are as men, not in how we look. Joyful lives comes from the power within us, how we are made, not in how we look. Surely sadness and hardship is a part of life too...but there's enough of that already to go around...let's not add to it by spending more time dwelling on losing our hair than going out and enjoying our closest relationships and making new ones.

Feel free to add your thoughts to this.

Bill

Mark H · #2 **Top** 10-22-2006, 08:55 PM

That was very thoughtful, and nicely written.

It is very difficult to not continually measure your appearance when the media reflects its importance in everything, and even marketing does so.

Here is a somewhat mundane example: If you go to any men's department to the underwear section, take a look at what is available up through size 38. Up to that size, you can get many different styles, and lots of different colors.

Now look at 40 and above. All they have is one or two styles in white only. The message: If your ass-odometer has flipped over 40, nobody is going to be looking at it anyway, unless its mammoth bulk is obstructing the view.

None of this contradicts your very fine points, but merely emphasizes the difficulty in ignoring what is mainstream.. However superficial this world is, it is the one we're in, and without acknowledging that, there would be no reason to get an HT.

mark h

nobuzz4me · #3 **Top** 10-23-2006, 05:27 AM

Bill, well done my friend. I wonder if most of us here on the board already had some insecurities, shyness or introverted personalities and then when the big bald reaper came to see us, it just magnifyed the inherent personality problem. I believe that may be the case for most of us, at least it is for me. That is why forum support is so important, knowing we are not alone with this problem. (Misery loves company LOL!) I guess when we have a bald president or a more bald TV newscasters, our society will have changed.

Mark H · #4 **Top** 10-23-2006, 05:52 AM

Insecurities apart (which everyone has) lets not forget the positive side of this. If you want to look better, it is also a mark self respect.

Caring about your appearance, your grooming, and your cleanliness, says something about who you are. The above can as easily be self respect as vanity, the line between the two is very subjective. Its like art, I don't know how to define it, but I know it when I see it.

After all, as David Carradine says, "It is a material world".

mark h

MrJobi · #5 **Top** 10-23-2006, 07:13 AM

Well written Bill

The reality is people judge you on your looks. We live in an appearance oriented society. Look how much money companies spend on marketing and advertisiment. Whether you go for a job interview or a date, your first impression makes a big difference. Many times people don't want to change what they feel about themselves, rather how other's percieve them.. Women don't dream about meeting a fat, short bald guy just as men don't about an unattractive women..Of course personality matters but personally, I want someone who has both as I do for myself. Everyone has their criteria and that's ok .. What really matters is what the individual wants for them self & what makes them happy. Some are content with being bald but i'm not one of them.. Others are content not dressing well or being out of shape.. If they are happy , I'm happy for them .. For me, I want to look my best .. This doesn't make me shallow,but I have high expectations for myself .

Bill - Managing Publisher · #6 **Top** 10-23-2006, 07:17 AM

Thank you gentlemen for your additional thoughts on this.

I agree with what you both said...we struggle with these things because it's everywhere....the media, society, everywhere. The bottom line is people want to look good...and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that longing. It's when we take it too far that's the problem. Grooming and looking good is important...but when we begin to question our own value based on a flaw and begin to live our lives as if we were an undesirable person, that's when it becomes a problem. Yes, these forums are great...we can band together as brothers struggling with a similar insecurity. But let it also bring us comfort that there is not one person alive (male or female) that doesn't struggle with some kind of insecurity that they don't like about themselves...and ironically, everyone handles it similarly. We either try to hide what we are insecure about (IE...wearing hats to hide baldness, baggy clothes to hide being overweight, coverup makeup to hide acne, etc), or we try to hide the fact that it bothers us (IE...someone makes fun of someone who is overweight and they laugh it off or make some kind of sarcastic response). Let us also consider that people who make fun of other's insecurities are only trying to cover up for their own. Kids are the most severe with this...but there is no kid or adolescent that feels secure in who they are...so a popular way to handle it (as mean as it is) is to poke fun at others for their insecurities, really, trying to bring them down to their level of pain and insecurity. A longing to look good and to be popular, a longing to attract women, and friends into our lives is all normal. So we do what we can to groom ourselves to look the best we can. I agree that it says something about who we are whether or not we groom. A person who doesn't shower, never puts on deodarant and just simply doesn't take care of themselves represents "giving up". They no longer care about the way they look and about who they are, because they have already decided in their false beliefs that they aren't lovable anyway, so why try? But the person who grooms themselves and takes care of themselves shows that they value themselves...and have not given up hope in relationships. Now this is where we have to remember something....it's not about what we have to groom...it's about the fact that we do groom. An overweight person and a skinny person grooming still conveys care of themselves and the way they look...just as a man with or without hair. I must admit I've seen some pretty cool looking dudes with the shaved head and goatee look. Now I don't think I'd look that cool, but then again, it's also how I view myself. So my main points are:

1. Nobody likes everything about themselves and has insecurities including those who poke fun at others
2. How we look should not dictate who we are or how we live
3. People will be attracted more to who we are than how we look (yes, including women)
4. Women are huge critics of themselves...and even the most perfect women in our eyes don't like things about themselves
5. All people, men and women want to be loved for who they are, flaws included

As I said, I don't negate getting an HT...I've had several just so I can feel better about myself. But let's get HT's if we need them, but let's look to finding more value in who we are than what we look like. Those who don't go out anymore because they hate how they look make me sad...it's a giving up of hope. We've all been through pain, through rejections, through loss, and as men we have a problem revealing just how bad we are hurting...so we internalize it. But we hurt just as badly as anyone else...and it doesn't make us weak. But we can't give up....we must press forward. We must love again and allow others to love us. Who can love the bald man? Many! I've seen a few guys at my gym who are completely bald and have some of the hottest girlfriends I've seen. Why you ask? It is because they prefer to be bald? Doubtful! But they live their lives anyway, and allow others to impact their lives. Nobody does this perfectly....but pressing forward is important. Some people here might not be candidates for an HT...maybe not yet, maybe ever. At the very best, I'll have a thinning crown. I'll never have a lucsious full head of hair like I did in high school again. Will I let this impact the way I live? Well, I admit, I fall into these traps too. But I have a wonderful woman who loves me with our without hair, and wonderful friends who value me for who I am! This is what makes life worth living. If we think hair can get us this...it won't. What it will give us is that extra boost of confidence in how we look....better groomed perhaps....but HT or not....we should be who we are and love and be loved.

Bill

Mark H · #7 **Top** 10-23-2006, 07:54 AM

Nicely said Fac and Mr. Jb. I could have a beer or two with you guys.

There's an idea. What about a bald convention??? Don't tell me there aren't of us to put one together, eh?

Now I like your 5 points, but they aren't absolutes. I DO judge people by their appearance, at least initially, and sometimes those issues remain even after I get to know and like the person. That is because some of those issues do reflect who you are, and that isn't going to change as long as human nature doesn't.

That means I suppose, that I have a shallow side. I won't deny it, I'll only point out that I have other sides to me as well, and some aren't so shallow.

Where women are concerned, I'd like to attract a mature one that loves me for who I am. OTOH, if a beautiful but shallow 18 year old throws herself at me, I'll just have to make do, won't I?

As Woody Allen said, "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, its one of the best."

mark h

Bill - Managing Publisher · #8 **Top** 10-23-2006, 10:17 AM

Mark H,

You make me laugh at least a little in everything you write. You have a great sense of humor....keep it with you...it's a great gift!

Jobi and Mark H,

Yep, people do judge us on our looks...but one of the things I'm trying to state here is why people do it. Why do you judge others on their looks? I know sometimes I do it because I'm comparing myself to them. "Well, at least I don't have _____". It's a tactic that we use to make ourselves feel better. We also think that somehow if we attract certain type of people, the way they look, etc, it defines who we are. If we only attract ugly people, we must be ugly, etc. Of course, we also fantasize about the supermodel woman who will find us attractive. Physical attraction is normal and good. My argument however, is no matter who we find attractive, they are going to dislike something about themselves. As a physical quality, I know there are women who would "prefer" to date a man with hair than without. But these are hardly things that "keep" a women with us. The best looking guy in the world with the nicest hair will be dumped by the least attractive females if they don't have more to offer than their looks. This also goes for the best looking females. how long can a man really stay with a woman who looks great but has nothing to offer on the inside? Men tend to tolerate it more than women assuming sex is still in the picture.

I actually disagree with you Mark H....the only one of my 5 points that is not absolute is number 3....there are people who will be more attracted to what we look like initially, but not for the long term. So I'll change my number 3 to read: People will be attracted more to who we are than how we look in the long term.

My argument far from denying from the realities of humanity. It's more of a hollar out to humanity to show that there is more to life than our insecurities.

It's also to say I understand the battle, and by all means, let's get some hair back. There is enough craziness and pain in this world without having to worry about people judging us for being bald (even though we do it to ourselves much more harshly than others).

Bill

Bill - Managing Publisher · #9 **Top** 10-23-2006, 10:24 AM

Mr JB,

"Many times people don't want to change what they feel about themselves, rather how other's percieve them"

Ah how right you are. But don't you get it by now? This doesn't really work. Because from a counseling standpoint...the real insecurity in who we are or how we look doesn't really come from others. Surely our thoughts and experiences have taught us this, but it's not because of what others did...it's what we have convinced ourselves of. We have somehow chosen to believe that what someone else said about us is "true". Surely we'd like the world to see us the best human being, most attractive person, etc. on the planet...but being that this is impossible, security has to come from the inside out, not the outside in. Even if you had a full head of hair, there would be something that somebody could point out in you that would be a flaw...and if enough people made you feel bad about it, it would be just as easy to think we are ugly because of that instead. So even though it HELPS to know that we are acceptable to others, it's not where all our security must come from. I think there are certain healthy levels of this...so don't get me wrong. I think if we are confident in the way we look if 7 out of 10 girls find us attractive, then this is good...but if 9 out of 10 girls find us attractive and one doesn't, and we are devastated by it and think less of ourselves...this becomes a problem.

So there are multiple levels of how we struggle....some are much healthier than others. We know it's bad when our entire lives are being effected by it (aka, not doing certain activities because it means taking off the hat, not asking that one girl you desire out on a date for fear of rejection because you are afraid she'll reject you because your hair is thin, preventing you from doing anything you might have done while you had hair really).

This is indeed an interesting discussion. Thank you all for indulging with me. I do hope that there is some encouragement to be found in the things I have written.

Bill

angel706 · #10 **Top** 10-23-2006, 10:35 AM

Bill, amen, amen and amen. You are preachin' to the choir, man!

At some point, all of us have to realize that we are so much more than the looks we present to the world. This is an even more important thing for those of us who have HT (or other cosmetic procedures or interventions) to remember. Because the whole search for esthetic self-improvement can become a bit of a slippery slope.

OK, HT is done and went well. What next? How about a little Botox for those expression lines? Or some microdermabrasion or Thermage? Do I need some lipo? A tummy tuck? All of the above?

I'm with you...I'm not speaking out against HT's or other methods of cosmetic self-improvement. But I'll say it again: At some point, we all have to realize that our looks don't define us. And I think that realization is even tougher to come by for women, for whom the standards of youth and beauty as the be-all, end-all are set even higher than those for men (in my opinion).

Here's an interesting short film that I saw recently that made me smile. Check it out if you have a minute:

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.ca/bblank.asp?id=6895

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